I started thinking about a complaint that I received from a student earlier this semester earlier this evening and have been stewing on it ever since . I haven't had any reassurances back about it from line managers. I don't know what is happening regarding it I was told I was not allowed to know what I had been accused of. This has put me in a bit of a panic. I'm sure that I would still be worried about it even if I was doing OK in myself without the need for medication.
I am due back at work tomorrow, the student in question didn't bother coming to any of the lectures coming up to Xmas, but their presentations are due in on Tuesday and I still have no idea how I am supposed to approach this. Have I received any support about it? Nope. Are they taking into account the problems that I have been having? Not a clue! Am I really starting to freak out about it? You bet your fucking arse I am!!!!!
Feeling very cast adrift at work at the moment. I don't know who my line manager is, I don't know what my job entails any more as it's been changed that fucking often by subsequent heads of department and deans. It's about to be changed again from something that I have been doing for 11 years now to something completely different. I teach waaaay more than I should and they still won't fucking do anything about my job. I don't research, well it's not in my remit to do that, but I never really wanted to do that being more of a practitioner. But they won't do a thing about my contract without research profiles etc. there are no other jobs out there for me, the one that I did apply for last year got pulled by their dean for some reason (I heard from a colleague) and I was flanneled off with you don't have enough experience. I hadn't really thought about it before tonight, but I don't think that I would want to work for someone that would lie to me like that anyway, but at the time, I was pretty cut up about it.
Getting this out onto the screen is helping a little, not a huge amount though. I don't think I am going to get much sleep tonight with all of the adrenaline sloshing about in my system...
Why the hell do I put myself through this shit? What sort of a person would consciously consider this down to the Nth degree? Are they really compiling a case against me at work? Is this just something else to put in the Mark is incompetent and once we hit the magic number, his ass is grass file? I put myself through all of this, but it's worth it when I see a costume design student that finally gets how a pattern goes together, when a tech theatre student works out the optimum lighting angle for that spotlight she's been focussing. The smile on their faces, the comprehension in their eyes and then one spiteful individual complains and the whole fucking house of cards comes crashing down.
It's interesting to note that when I was discussing with colleagues about the possibility of moving on to a different academic institution, only one person said that they would miss me. One! How fucking worthless do you think I felt at that point?
Paranoia is a very strange beast, the slightest thing can set it off, but I am learning to identify when I am having an attack. Hence this evening's blog. I am writing it so that I can come back to it later and assess how I am coping with it. The answer at the moment seems to be not incredibly well. I am not sure how much help the pills are... I missed a couple of days over Christmas due to the doctor wig. Closed and me not realising that I had completely run out of them and I am wondering if this is some sort of kick back from that. I don't want to worry Ms. J with it as she has now fallen asleep, but it's not helping me to deal at the moment.
Is this coming off as being Whiney? I have no idea if it is or not. If these problems seem trivial to you guys reading this, believe me, in my head, they are not, they are a large part of my thought processes at the moment to the extent that I am having trouble concentrating on anything else. I may go downstairs and have a warm drink and see if I can work off some of this adrenaline by killings bikes or something.
I made a resolution this morning... Not anything as twee as a New Years resolution or anything. It was more of a resolution to take some control back as I have relinquished so much of it to others. I go and I do and I am a happy little soldier. No more. My first action in taking control back is in my own body. I will be starting a regimen of weight loss and exercise over the coming year to lose at least 2 stone to get back to the point I was at 2.5 years ago when I quit smoking. The next part is to try and sort my head out. Come off the pills, de-stress. If that means quitting my job for a less stressful life then it might have to come to that. Academics get 6 months leave every 4-5 years so that they can research without teaching commitments so that they can write and publish. I may have to ask for a leave of absence for a while to see if I can get my head back on straight.
Feeling slightly better now for getting my thoughts out of my head and onto the page. This is something that I think I need once in a while, a cathartic scream at the heavens... Shame I don't live closer to the sea as I used to enjoy going for a paddle. It used to ground me and I could tell my concerns and secrets to the waves and they wouldn't be moved by them, they would take them and keep on lapping away, taking them out to sea away from me so that I could move on...
That's just given me an idea...
Electronic messages in a bottle. The recipient writes down whatever they want to, poems, dreams, fears etc. Saves them on a USB drive and then seals the drive up in a bottle which they then throw out to sea. This might help me rid myself of some demons.
The bottle is inscribed with the legend. Feel free to delete me and use me for positive purposes, this drive contains my demons, I don't want or need them any more.
