Touching base.

What is it about events that you are too knackered to enjoy them at the time and afterwards, there is just a feeling of gut wrenching regrets for not enjoying it more.

This weekend I was down at MCM Comicon at the excel centre in London and it was absolutely bloody marvellous. I had a stall selling leather goods and if you follow Broadarrow Jack's posts on Facebook, I commented that I was genuinely humbled by the fact that with the amount of choice in a space as big as Excel, people actually wanted to buy my stuff. Everyone did well as far as I know. The talks were great and the exhibition just keeps growing year on year. I have to admit that during the event, I couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted to due to the aforementioned fatigue. After the event (almost immediately after the doors had closed and the pack down had begun) I started to feel an almost overwhelming sense of loss that it was over and the vibrancy and life that was passing the steampunk collective throughout all three days was now irrevocably gone.

I think this is another one of those get it out of my head and onto paper/screen posts as I don't think I have a point here. There's no little trick to reducing the feeling of loss, the bank holiday Monday has helped a little as I have managed to catch up a little on some frivolous stuff like playing Assasin's creed. But there's a hollowness to today that wasn't there yesterday. I'm sure it's the same thing that people experience when they return from holiday, although I can't help thinking that the experience has been amplified by the depression and anxiety.

One small tip that I did find helping with me at least to cut down on anxiety whilst I was at the event was removing my shoes. When I am not wearing shoes, my brain switches to comfortable and relaxed mode. Maybe I need to wear shoes less...

So yeah... This is a brief touching base type of post today. 

Keep safe and keep going. 

Mark

It's been about a week since Whitby

Well it's been a week or so since I returned back from Whitby, how was it? It was OK. Made considerably better by the fact that I had a day to relax before setting up and the onslaught of customers etc. that was a great idea to be honest as I didn't have to be 'on' straight away. The selling itself wasn't brilliant, but it never is at the April goth weekend. It's mainly (for me at least) a proving ground for new stock lines. To test the market as it were.

Come home, I was in good spirits. However as week progressed the mood blackened and I felt increasingly under the dog as it were. A friend said that it could be something to do with mourning the loss of a weekend with friends, I'm inclined to agree, up to a point. 

There is always negativity from a small but vocal minority of goths at the 'incursion of non goths at their weekend'. Normally it's like water off a ducks back to me but this time, I took it very personally. I have absolutely no idea why that could have been but it happened.

I am not going to have a rant and a rave about what I think about those that will attack people of other persuasions openly in social media and then wave the S.O.P.H.I.E. banner with all their might when they feel they are being victimised. It's not worth it. It was interesting however to see that this made me  angry for my fellows, those that aren't that goth or that dress up in stuff they like to wear and come to a place to enjoy the weekend. I didn't go overboard with ridicule for the people that hate because that would be a little hypocritical but it did affect me.

To that end, I have been declining in mood all week and have now cancelled my attendance at an event that I should be having fun at. One of the third re-enactment events. They do give me something good to cling to, but then when we return from these weekends away, there is always someone that will have another go at us for having the wrong buttons or smiling and enjoying ourselves and informing the public in an entertaining manner rather than standing behind barbed wire and giving mini lectures. I knew that if I went this weekend, I would have to face the haters once again and take it in my stride again! Is it really worth it? I have dialled back the number of events that I am attending this year to see if the ones that I do attend make it worthwhile. At this point, Snowdon was great but there were notable absences from the ranks. This is the second event of the year and I am not feeling particularly positive about attending many others if I am goi to be feeling this way about it.

I know people say don't let it bother you but it does. If I am doing something, I want it to be as good as it can be. As entertaining as possible for the public as informative while still being engaging. Others do not roll that way and it pisses me off when they are vocal about it. 

The second reason for not attending this weekend was that I just couldn't face the public with a smile and a welcome in my heart. Friends are understanding about it to the point where they have rallied around and worked out a contingency plan in record time as I kind of pulled out at the last minute (I am eternally grateful to them for this). I am not proud of leaving people in the lurch, but likewise, I don't want to say yes I'll do it and then get there and have to spend the day in a tent hiding from the public. I realise that when I am in uniform, I am someone else although that only works up to a point.

I'm crap and I know it at the moment. I have commitments and should be honouring them. It's not like me to be like this and it is a little bewildering to be honest.

Not really a good sentence to end on, but I've sort of run out of steam on this one. People that know me, know that I get tongue tied in person but can be extremely verbose online. I think the tongue tiedness is creeping in here too.

Let's see what happens a few weeks hence...