Quarterly review.

Hi all, it's been another 4 months since I updated the blog.

What's been happening you ask?

Well, quite a lot to be honest.

The citalopram started to become slightly less efficacious and I decided that the vertigo was potentially problematic. I have now transitioned onto another drug and that seems to be working fine at the moment. Although the dosage is apparently quite low comparatively. 

I was having some real problems at work with stuff and ting. There were no specific problems, but I felt that I needed to step back a bit and consequently I have now received confirmation today that I have been granted a temporary 0.8 contract which basically means that I now will be working 4 days a week instead of 5. It will be reviewed in 12 months time to see how it's going and at that point, I can go back to full time or stay at 0.8  with this development, I feel really confident that I can sort out and cope with the work problems with the black dog in tow.

Another positive thing is that after a number of months I have finally finished the paper for a performance magic journal. It was submitted last night for peer review. The waiting begins now. To be honest, I am fine if it doesn't get published as I managed to get it done. That was a big thing for me as I hadn't done any academic work since my Masters dissertation back in 2008. I wasn't sure if I still had it in me. But it is done now and it has potential according to colleagues.

This might be the next step in my career to be honest. I have been asked in the past to undertake a doctorate and if I can sort out the funding, it might be something that is possible now.

After re-reading what I've just written, it's really interesting that everything is quite positive at the moment. Well... Not exactly everything.

With the referendum result last week, I felt as though I had been set back as I was beginning to dwell on the future and how it will be crap... Turns out that I was pretty much bang on with the thought as the economy is now in the toilet, there are racists emboldened by the result and have come out into the light to spew their hate.

It took a few days to get over this depression and anxiousness but I think that I have been through the 5 stages of grief and now have come out the other side. There are those of my friends that are not quite there yet and may be going in a different direction from mine with direct activism. If that is what it takes, then I am 100% behind them. I don't feel up to it myself, but they are fighting the good fight which makes me feel better that there are those that haven't just rolled over (myself included).

In the end, I can't provide anything other than moral support as I need to take care of myself. Selfish? Possibly, but I don't want to go back to the bad days where my thoughts were particularly dark. I need positivity and remaining angry and grief stricken at (what I consider to be) a ludicrous path to take is not helping that positivity.

So, yeah... That's what's been happening... How're you?

Has it really been 4 months since I last updated?

Blimey!

I suppose I was internalising a lot of the process of the CBT (which is not an acronym for cock and ball torture... Well, it is, but not in this context.) cognitive behavioural therapy is quite interesting from an abstract point of view. I've been reading through some of my earlier posts and thinking about how far my journey has taken me. I think that the biggest thing that I've taken from the whole process is a feeling of constant mindfulness. (I know, I know, it's a buzzword and very fashionable at the moment) There's no other way to frame it, I am looking at things that used to trigger negative thoughts and analysing them in a detached way. The nice thing is that I haven't become a Vulcan or anything and I can still enjoy the good feelings and emotions without stepping to one side and analysing them (well, any more than I always have). It's a case of having a good old Rawr!!!! And then realising that's why you did that then packing it up in a little chest and filing it away for future reference for if that situation happens again.

I'm not sure how others have viewed CBT, but this is the way that I worked it through. Paranoia is not really an issue and as a result anxiety has not raised it's head since before Xmas. The depression is something that I still need to work on, but I am still taking the Citalopram and the episodes are few and far between. That's not to say that they have gone completely though. I still feel the warm breath of the black dog on me from time to time, but now it's a much more manageable collie sized rather than the Digby (the biggest black dog in the world sized). I am considering down sizing the dosage over the next few months though. I do find that I occasionally forget to take the pills and after a couple of days, I tend to get the weirdest feeling of vertigo which is not entirely unpleasant but still a little freaky.

What else?

Hmmmm.....

Oh, I mentioned that I wasn't going to be doing as many stalls this comi year before Xmas. I realised how stupid that was and have now actually diversified my stall attendance a little. Trying new routes and stocklines. The workshop is virtually ready (aside from the lack of permanent power in there and a path to it. But the first workshop session sold out in less than a day, (I realise that there were only 5 places, but the point is that people are willing to pay for me to teach them stuff which was a hooooooge confidence booster.

The magic still hasn't really taken off although I have been lightly pushing down other avenues. I think I may need to consider alternatives to purely steampunk audiences and try maybe a small self financed show. I have a theatre at my disposal, I can do it, I know I can with enough practice... Maybe a showcase of different magic styles utilising different magishes.