It's been about 8 months since my last blog post.
My, I am becoming lax with this blogging thing aren't I?
So, during this time I have had my sertraline dosage upped by 50% so I am now on 150mg rather than 100mg. This has balanced my anxiety to a degree. I have had a bit of an odd few months where I have been up and down like a bleedin' yoyo. At this point, I am on a downward spiral. I know it's happening I can see it happening and I am powerless to prevent it happening without feeling like a bloody fraud all the time (thus exacerbating the anxiety even further). I cried off an evening out a couple of days ago because I just didn't feel up to socialising. I realise that this is a self destructive vicious circle, but there's very little else I can do about it. If I do go out and socialise, there is a facade of brightness that is so wearing that I am exhausted at the end of the night. On that note, sleep has been affected recently. It may be that we need a new mattress, but I think it might justybe the weight of work and other stresses bearing down on me.
In positive news, friends have been granted custody of two boys and adoption is very much on the horizon, another couple of friends have spawned in the past few days. So I get to be distant non relational uncle to a few more kids. Sometimes I ask myself if I made the right decision not to have kids. I look at the joy that they bring to people's lives around me I think about the way that they can carry on the generational thing. Occasionally, I have pangs of guilt, most of the time though it doesn't really feature. I am blessed that Ms. J has very much the same opinion as I do and fortuitously, has a large family and more than a couple of nieces and nephews that have adopted me as uncle Mark. My own family is very small and we have never been what you would call close knit.
I think what I am trying to work through here is the existential dread that once I am gone, that's it. No more knowledge that I can pass on, no more cool leather working skills I can give to my kids so they can carry on the Simpson legacy. Maybe, that's why I became a 'teacher', even though I'm not really a teacher as far as work is concerned (which is another bone of stressful contention, but not for unpacking today). I can pass on my knowledge to a wider group of impressionable youngsters... (Did I just use the word youngsters? Fuck, I am getting old!!!) I don't think that they are a proxy for kids of my own as there is an emotional detachment there. I don't know what I am doing here, but I think it's helping a little. The stream of consciousness writing style that I have adopted allows me to ramble on and on at length and make connections with things that I may not have connected in the past. For example, the frustration I am experiencing at work may be because of the fact that I am being blocked from passing on my general excitement for the areas of influence I am interested in. There is some light on the horizon though and if I am involved with it, it could be that I can open a new chapter of my working life. I can't say anything about it here as it is still in development and I would probably be fired if I disclosed it.
So, yeah, odd few months. Ups and downs although the blog is still helping so I think I'll be updating a little more often now. Laying on the couch of my keyboard and pouring my words into the ear of the general populace. I hope it helps others a little. It does seem to be helping me.
