Why is it so difficult to relax?

The question at the top of the page says it all really. I was asked when signed off for sick leave to not have any contact with my employer for a week. This was achieved with little to no problem. I was then asked to just relax for a little while and to try an not let anything get me wound up. This has proved to be a little more problematic. I find it difficult to sit and watch TV or read a book any more. I have the sense that I should be doing 'something' to ensure that I am not wasting the space that I inhabit. I have been doing some bits and pieces of leatherwork while I have been off. No commissions, mainly purely speculative or developmental stuff so that once I get back on an even keel, I will have some new stuff to show and sell that others haven't considered in the past.

 It's interesting that I am seeing copies of my stuff starting to show up on Etsy from china and Indonesia etc. I don't really mind. In one sense it's flattering that they think the design is good enough to rip off. This hasn't bothered me nearly as much as I thought it would. 

It strange, but looking at how the leather working is going, I wouldn't normally even entertain such notions, but the thought of going self employed has crossed my mind a couple of times recently... Mind you, one thing I learned in business studies is that the person that thinks that he is his own boss if he is self employed is a fool and doomed to inevitable failure. Self employment just means that your boss is every single person that places an order with you! Some may be easy going, some may be really difficult and exacting. I have had a couple of difficult clients recently, one I had to say that I just couldn't work with them because they were asking for something that I was physically incapable of producing. Another was a bit of a disappointment because I just couldn't see a way of resolving the issues that were a part of the brief for a lovely client that I have dealt with before. Even though they were totally understanding about it, I hate letting people down.  As a consequence, I have, while I am mental at least, placed an embargo on commissions. It's just too stressful and comes back down to that boss thing again. 

But I realise that I'm teasing you dear reader a little, you didn't come here to read about my trials and tribulations in leather working... You want to know the gory details about what is happening in my head. I saw the doc last Thursday and she suggested that I remain at the higher dose of 40mg of citalopram for the time being. The side effects are still in evidence. Sleep is almost non existent at the moment and I count myself lucky if I get more than 4hrs per night. I have had a couple of rather worrying spaced out moments. This is part of the horror stories that I read about when I was first reading up about the side effects of citalopram, the haze descends and you feel a bit weird for a while. It's hard to explain, but I think it feels a bit like being a little out of phase with the world. The brain slows down and the best that you can do is just watch as it passes you by. That wasn't a very accurate explanation, but it's the best I can do without the vocabulary to explain it fully. It's not exactly a fugue, but it's a bit more than daydreaming and a little bit disorienting when it happens particularly when I am out without Ms. J to ground me.

You know that feeling when you are standing in the edge of a cliff and there is a little voice in your head that says jump? Yeah, it turns out that it's not a good idea to mention that voice when you are talking to your doctor during these appointments... She suggested that Ms. J should take control of my medication. And she is still very serious about me wanting to harm myself even though I was merely engaging in an academic exercise of considering the best way to do it... Turns out normal people don't think about that sort of thing... Who knew eh?

So, good or bad, the increase in dosage is certainly doing something to my brain chemistry. I have just over a week and a bit of this sick note remaining, the doctor is quite happy to sign me off for another month if it is necessary, but I feel a little crappy about leaving work in the lurch, so might get in touch with them to see if I can arrange a phased return.

So, yeah, that's about it for this instalment. Stay tuned, same bat time, same bat channel for more updates as and when they arrive.

rollercoaster rides

Update on this week...

The stoooory so far... After the meltdown in a staff meeting earlier this week our intrepid hero decided that work was one of the major contributing frustrations and was not allowing him to work through the issues that he was having. The way things were going, he would have been up a bell tower with either a long rope or a high powered rifle by the end of the week. At this point, he decided that it wasn't in his best interests to remain in work and made an appointment with the doctor to see if he could get a sick note.

Aaaand now, the exciting conclusion to this chapter.

The doctor suggested that my meds be upped to a double dose and signed me off for a month. She told me to not even think about work for a week, no e-mails, no contact at all there were a couple of revelations in that appointment, for me and for Ms. J who had accompanied me. As a consequence, for the past few days, I've been working on stuff that doesn't tax my brain. The leather work that I do, could be regarded as a type of therapy for me. I can get out of my brain for a little while and be creative. Thing is that if I am working on commissions, I get stressed with getting it right for the client, so I've decided to knock the commissions on the head for the time being. I'll still make new stuff, but it's going to be either selling from stock or on the stall... This means that I am going to have to keep a tighter control of stock levels on the Etsy and on the other selling sites that I use.

The insomnia appears to be never ending at the moment and I am getting about 4 hrs per night. On the plus side, due to upping my meds, the lack of appetite seems to have kicked in, so that might be something that I can get under control.

So yeah, rollercoaster or what this week... Ms. J has remained a constant levelling influence.
I love that woman!

The hardest thing to do is realising that you need time to heal.

That turned out to be the hardest e-mail I have ever composed. Admitting to my line manager that I have some serious problems and need some time off to see if I can work them out. I realise that my job is a grounding thing, and that it helps me with a routine, and that I have just done the thing that I feared most. Asking for sick time.
Those of you that know me, know that I am a pretty self reliant person and my upbringing doesn't tolerate weakness in any form. Well, today I am at my weakest out of the is whole experience. I feel as though I am shrouded in eggshell and to drop me would result in scrambled Mark.

I hope work are understanding. They are traditionally very good at recognising mental health issues.

I didn't want it to come down to this as my position is a little precarious at the moment, but that is the very thing that is exacerbating the problems that I am experiencing. I dunno. After the outburst at a meeting yesterday, I don't feel as though I can go back and act as though nothing happened. It may seem like going into hiding, but I am not sure if they had been briefed as to my looney toons status.

Chemically, I am still experiencing side effects to the citalopram and maybe this episode has been heightened due to the lack of sleep that I've been experiencing as a result of the medication. There is also a very frustrating side effect that au won't go into details with, but suffice to say that some of the chemical make up of the drug is bromide which hasn't helped either.

What's the solution??? I dunno to be honest. Maybe change medication, maybe stop it altogether as the positives are beginning to get swamped by the negatives. I tried getting an appointment to see the doctor today, no luck. I'll try again tomorrow though.

Fucking, Fuck work! Fucking Fuck!

Well there's a thing... I thought I was doing fantastically... Well, I was doing fantastically until job changes reared their ugly little heads. The anxiety descended until I exploded during a staff meeting and suggested that I submit my resignation. There are big changes coming over the horizon with my job and I am not sure that I like these changes. If merely discussing the changes is doing this to me, what the hell is planning for and implementing them going to do to my mental health??? I think the time has come to possibly think about taking some time on the sick as I am just getting worse with this crap that's happening.

I don't like to load this shit onto my colleagues, but the changes have been compounded with other problems directly relating to my work environment and work life that have been growing and growing for the past few years. Does anyone know anything about career breaks or sick time?