Time to grab the bull by the horns and all that

A few weeks since my last blog post. Thanks for the well wishes everyone. I know that you are still rooting for me even though my head is still saying "They're at the brink of not giving a shit about your mental shenanigans any more, give it up you hack!"
And that in part is the reason for the blog today.
Tackling the problem head on. Taking the medication that was prescribed to me last year by the doctor (Who really does know better than I do despite my protestations).
Everyone has said, if you're sick you take the medication, if you have diabetes, talking about it won't help with it getting better. In this instance I have come to the conclusion that I need to step down off my high fucking horse and listen to the experience of other people. I thought I knew my own mind, turns out I was just being stubborn and pig headed.

So yeah, I might be a bit funny for a couple of weeks as the drugs start to work their magic. I have no idea about how (if any) the side effects will affect me but the more common ones are dry mouth (solution: Have a bottle of water with me at all times) and potential stomach churning leading to nausea (solution: stop eating all of the pies and then I won't have as much to throw up if I need to). which has an added bonus of possibly less food going in my talking hole and as a result, I might lose a little weight which in turn will lead to a boost in self confidence etc. (Hey, I can turn anything into a positive, or not as the case may be.)

I'll still be doing the talking therapy/CBT (NOT the compulsory basic test for motorbikes OR the naughty winky torture for the BDSM inclined, get your filthy mind out of the gutters) and I'll keep up with the blog as and when to chart my progress.

So, here's hoping that it'll be a positive step in the right direction.

Let's face it, it couldn't get much worse than it has been recently.

In other news, I have another magic gig in June so getting back on the horse there too. Who knows where it will go after that as that's the last firm booking this year after other things fell through etc. We'll see. Maybe it'll go on hiatus while I develop some new effects. Maybe, I'll keep adapting stuff to my own nefarious ends, maybe, it'll fizzle and go pop... That's for the future and who the hell knows what the future holds.

Wish me luck guys.

Oh and I've just realised that the blog has now had over 1,000 views. That seems to be a cause for celebration, but then as this about my inner anguish and turmoil, it says more about the ghouls who read these pages than it does about my writing style. You should be ashamed of yourselves and stop reading the blog right away!!!
Please, disregard that previous statement. Don't stop reading the blog!

Ermmm....

Look, hand puppets!

*Scarpers!*

It's been a month or so. How's it going? You still looney toons?

Blimey! Has it really been a month since my last post? Well no, slightly longer than that, but I'm sure that you know what I mean.

What's been happening you ask? What's the latest juicy little tidbit of information that the Black Dog has been getting up to with me recently?

Well, there is a reason that I haven't updated in over a month. I haven't felt up to it. I had a few set backs recently and I have been looking at the way that I dealt with them. The short answer to that is 'not well'.

There is a support network that has grown up around me, people are generally still in the caring phase rather than the 'just fucking get over it already' and 'are you still fucking mental or what?' phases. It's been a testing time really. I can see that some friends are becoming weary of the constant paranoia and in-securities that I've been displaying recently.

On the plus side, I have made a decision... Remember waaaaaay back when I first started the blog? When I said that I didn't want to go down the chemical route? Well, I've decided to do a U-turn on that one. The paranoia is getting worse. The therapy sessions are too few and far between to be of any real use as I can't actually remember from one session to the next what the hell I was supposed to be doing, (Did I mention that I have memory problems too? Well I do.)

So as a coping mechanism and just to give my loved ones a little respite, I've decided that it's in everyone's best interests if I give the Citalopram a go. I'm not particularly happy about it as it feels as though I am giving in and letting the chemicals take hold, but after talking to some good friends over this past weekend in Whitby, who have been on the receiving end of this form of treatment (as well as the talking therapies), they recommended it to me and this time, I think it sank in.

So I have no idea how the pills will affect me, for some people, it's like a chemical cosh for a couple of weeks while the drugs suffuse throughout the body while they make their presence known, with others apparently, it's hardly felt other than the positive benefits. I have to admit, when I was originally researching the drug that I was prescribed, I did tend to lean more towards the darker and less than positive websites to justify my decision.

So, that's it, shit got bad, as bad as it could get for a little while where I really was rocking backwards and forwards in my chair, but (and I hate myself for using buzzwords and bizniz speak) it's time to be proactive, time for me to stop the fucking moping around and get on with stuff. I have had a real problem with motivation recently and the completion of a couple of larger orders and one of the longer term display pieces for exhibitions etc. have helped me get back on an even keel. I'm not there yet, but hopefully, the pills will help.

Here's hoping. The next blog may be written from the asylum using my allotted weekly internet kitten credits! We shall see. I was going to write 'Kill or Cure' there, but I'm not sure that is appropriate.

Wish me luck Oh and a Happy Beltane to all of my pagan chums. Here's hoping that the lighter days bring lighter moods for all!