update

I won't post what I want to post here. I want to scream and shout about stuff in general, but I won't. I've now been off for a little while and  I thought that I was getting my head together quite well. As it happens, it was a very fragile thing. I thought I was becoming more grounded and able to cope with stuff. Turns out all it takes is one thing to knock me back to the anxiety that I was experiencing before. The only good thing is that now I can analyse it. I am still anxious, but I can also look at myself from outside and see what is happening. Is this an effect of the increased dose of citalopram? I have no idea.

If I were to analyse this dispassionately, I would say that these things happen, The other side of me (thankfully not as all encompassing as before) says why the hell does it always happen to you though? The paranoid man would think that he was being actively targetted. The truth of the matter is that it's probably going to end up as just one of those things.

I am rambling, but this stream of consciousness rambling is probably helping me no end. I want to get this out of my head before it becomes something that takes root and digs in with insidious tendrils around my brain so that it becomes all encompassing and I start obsessing. I have done this in the past. I don't really mind/care if you are reading this post. I won't be publicising it on facebook and that tends not to draw in the readership so I am pretty safe with this.

I seem to be a victim of poor timing. I have been a victim of poor timing for quite some time now as far as I can tell. Possibly to the point where it couldn't possibly be coincidence any longer and it might start to look like it is purposefully happening. Again with the paranoia? Yep, unfortunately. That's something that is still swirling around the pea soup of my noodle.

I've been considering jacking work in again. Is this mid life crisis? I sincerely hope so. If that is actually the case, it won't last into my later life. I have visions of me at some point in the future yelling at flyovers with a can of stella in my hand. Is that something anyone can identify with? I'm fucking scared. I really am. Am I losing my mind? Is this normal? I wrote a while ago that 'it is a dark time for the rebellion'. I wish the me now could tell the me then that that wasn't darkness. this is darkness. This is hopefully as dark as it gets.

But isn't that what it is before the dawn? I certainly hope so. The sun had better get a fucking move on. I'm waiting here tapping my foot and looking pointedly at my watch.

Just to clarify, I am NOT suicidal. I am far too narcissistic for that.

My grandpappy always said, leave them with a gag (Well he would have if he was on the stage and didn't work in a garage but the sentiment is there and I don't want to fib to anyone)

So here you go...

Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. the first says to the second, "Hello!"
The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, "God, I wonder what *that* was all about?"