Why is it so difficult to relax?

The question at the top of the page says it all really. I was asked when signed off for sick leave to not have any contact with my employer for a week. This was achieved with little to no problem. I was then asked to just relax for a little while and to try an not let anything get me wound up. This has proved to be a little more problematic. I find it difficult to sit and watch TV or read a book any more. I have the sense that I should be doing 'something' to ensure that I am not wasting the space that I inhabit. I have been doing some bits and pieces of leatherwork while I have been off. No commissions, mainly purely speculative or developmental stuff so that once I get back on an even keel, I will have some new stuff to show and sell that others haven't considered in the past.

 It's interesting that I am seeing copies of my stuff starting to show up on Etsy from china and Indonesia etc. I don't really mind. In one sense it's flattering that they think the design is good enough to rip off. This hasn't bothered me nearly as much as I thought it would. 

It strange, but looking at how the leather working is going, I wouldn't normally even entertain such notions, but the thought of going self employed has crossed my mind a couple of times recently... Mind you, one thing I learned in business studies is that the person that thinks that he is his own boss if he is self employed is a fool and doomed to inevitable failure. Self employment just means that your boss is every single person that places an order with you! Some may be easy going, some may be really difficult and exacting. I have had a couple of difficult clients recently, one I had to say that I just couldn't work with them because they were asking for something that I was physically incapable of producing. Another was a bit of a disappointment because I just couldn't see a way of resolving the issues that were a part of the brief for a lovely client that I have dealt with before. Even though they were totally understanding about it, I hate letting people down.  As a consequence, I have, while I am mental at least, placed an embargo on commissions. It's just too stressful and comes back down to that boss thing again. 

But I realise that I'm teasing you dear reader a little, you didn't come here to read about my trials and tribulations in leather working... You want to know the gory details about what is happening in my head. I saw the doc last Thursday and she suggested that I remain at the higher dose of 40mg of citalopram for the time being. The side effects are still in evidence. Sleep is almost non existent at the moment and I count myself lucky if I get more than 4hrs per night. I have had a couple of rather worrying spaced out moments. This is part of the horror stories that I read about when I was first reading up about the side effects of citalopram, the haze descends and you feel a bit weird for a while. It's hard to explain, but I think it feels a bit like being a little out of phase with the world. The brain slows down and the best that you can do is just watch as it passes you by. That wasn't a very accurate explanation, but it's the best I can do without the vocabulary to explain it fully. It's not exactly a fugue, but it's a bit more than daydreaming and a little bit disorienting when it happens particularly when I am out without Ms. J to ground me.

You know that feeling when you are standing in the edge of a cliff and there is a little voice in your head that says jump? Yeah, it turns out that it's not a good idea to mention that voice when you are talking to your doctor during these appointments... She suggested that Ms. J should take control of my medication. And she is still very serious about me wanting to harm myself even though I was merely engaging in an academic exercise of considering the best way to do it... Turns out normal people don't think about that sort of thing... Who knew eh?

So, good or bad, the increase in dosage is certainly doing something to my brain chemistry. I have just over a week and a bit of this sick note remaining, the doctor is quite happy to sign me off for another month if it is necessary, but I feel a little crappy about leaving work in the lurch, so might get in touch with them to see if I can arrange a phased return.

So, yeah, that's about it for this instalment. Stay tuned, same bat time, same bat channel for more updates as and when they arrive.