Counselling service? Why do I bother?

The title says it all really. I have been referred to the counselling service three times now. Each time I had the requisite 6 appointments. First counsellor was pretty good and helped a lot in the first stage of my depression and anxiety, second was a waste of space and decided to try and treat my insomnia as a cause rather than a symptom and the third was absolutely lovely. She helped me the most I feel. Even to the point of suggesting that I might be better with some further intensive therapy. This was consequently turned down because I'm not THAT anxious or depressed...

Let me just say that again, I was turned down because I wasn't at a certain pre-determined level. My treatment was stopped and I was expected to go and fend for myself. The third therapist gave me some tools to help me, but when the darkness started descending again, I didn't have anything to fall back on.

My problems are threefold and I normally downplay the paranoia aspect of my condition as it's not the most glamourous of things. Really feeling as though people are whispering about you and plotting behind your back to the point where all trust breaks down in friendships that have stood the test of time is not something that I like to talk about. The fact that you feel so worthless when you see others enjoying themselves is not a good thing for polite dinner conversation.

I have a theory that I know where this actually stems from... I was a precocious little brat as a child, the youngest of three brothers and there was one occasion that sticks in my memory for some reason.

My friends were having a party for some reason (I forget what it was for) and both of my brothers had been invited. They were my friends that were having the party and I had been left out. I wasn't going to take that lying down and went crying to my mum about it. She insisted that I be included in the party and I was duly accepted into the group. I was however ostracised by the group at the party and sat alone for the rest of it. At that point in my development, it was enough to be a part of the occasion even though I was not a part of the events unfolding around me. Now, I can look back on it and assess that, for whatever reason, they didn't want me in attendance and ai should have honoured that. I however ran to an authority figure demanding to be allowed access to something that I had been excluded from. Was it paranoia that I wasn't experience something that my friends were? I don't know as it was probably in the region of 35 years ago and only the bigger and more vivid elements stick in the memory. But that was the first time I can say that I felt the same sort of feeling that I am experiencing at the moment. That same isolation and self doubt.

I may have tools to help me now and be able to stand outside of myself dispassionately, but the ability to seriously do something about it is still lacking.

Which returns me back to my original point... The counselling service, do I play it straight and have to go through another round of 6 talking sessions ad nauseum? When will they see that borderline cases also might need further help? I suppose it's down to funding as with everything else. But it's not doing me any favours being in this constant limbo. 

Holiday this year necessary... A proper one this time, not a couple of stolen days away in the lakes. A full 2 weeks away from the crap and the politics and the clamouring of the students! Time to unwind, time to recharge and time to take stock!

Thanks to you guys Toby the way... For listening to my ranting and ravings. I hope that by layinmyself bare over the altar of the blogosphere, that some might see some similarities and hopefully get some help themselves rather than having to suffer with their problems... And for the rest, yes, I was a spoilt brat as a child and had robe the centre of attention, I would like to think that I've moved on since then. One of the reasons possibly why I am so socially awkward nowadays. But that's for another discussion at another time