I know it won't do any real good to do so, but I think my only real release comes in the pages of this blog. I can write it down and then it's the worlds problem what they do with it.
I've been suffering from Anxiety and depression for considerably over a year now, I've been taking pills for nearly a year and I still don't have any end in sight to it. I know that friends come off them and go back on them periodically. But I don't know if they are balancing me out. If they are, I really don't want to know what I would be like if I wasn't on them at the moment. Maybe my dosage needs addressing, I don't know. I have a telephone appointment booked with the doctor tomorrow and we can have a chat about it.
I've just had a row with Jeanette, my long suffering wife. I can't tell her how I am feeling because I don't know myself how I am feeling. My mum used to say that I needed putting in a sack and shaking? The best I can describe it is disconnected. I am disassociating with things and I know enough to know that is a very bad thing and certainly not a place I need to be at the moment.
Not that I would do anything silly at all I hasten to add. I am just not connecting with stuff in the way that I should be at the moment. I had a good weekend away at Whitby this last weekend, things were grand and now, I am sliding off the table onto the floor.
I dunno what I wanted to say this evening. I just know that I have to say something. Even if it's just venting frustration at not knowing why I feel this way and the I can't articulate what it is that I'm feeling.
Not dark, not light, not here or there just in limbo a little without a handle to grip hold of. Set adrift amongst a sea of ambivalence.
I don't want to take time off work again as it's a tenuous thread and the good will may just snap at some point. I just have to keep going, soldiering along keeping my head down and not causing waves where I would get noticed and singled out. It's a difficult thing to do in such a small department though.
Recently, I've been experiencing the familiar squirly stomach feeling when my fight or flight response kicks in, it hasn't actually kicked in as yet, but it's at the back of my mind and is a bit of a task to see it through. There was a department meeting today and I have to admit that I was getting anxious. The other thing is (which I might need to discuss with the doctor tomorrow) that I have been experiencing small flashes of what I can only describe as vertigo (I can only presume that's vertigo as I get dizzy and my brain kind of hiccups for a few seconds I've never suffered from vertigo in the past and I am normally as sure footed as a mountain goat but my balance has also been off for a little while. The episodes only last for a few seconds each but they are slightly disorienting and it does freak me a little when it happens.
The other thing that I am feeling a little low about is my weight. I've put on over 3 stone since giving up smoking and I am certainly feeling it. Jeanette asked me to go on a bike ride a little while ago to see a show at the local theatre and I have to admit that it nearly killed me! I know I shouldn't eat to excess when I am feeling this way, but it's damn difficult and I have zero willpower at the moment either.
So yeah, that's pretty much my fucked up life at the moment. If you've got to the end of this, you're either a true friend or so bored that you really do have nothing better to do. Either way, thanks for reading and I hope I have some good news soon. Maybe an increase in dosage may help, maybe not.
I must be a true friend, because I wasn't bored. A lot of what you describe feels quite familiar to me. I too have had periods of extreme low mood following good times, a kind of grief for them being over and going back to the grind. I'm not really going to give you advice, because by advice is worth as much as you've paid for it, but I will ask you to remember that you have friends that care about you, and that will never, ever judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. As always, if you need to talk...
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