Touching base.

What is it about events that you are too knackered to enjoy them at the time and afterwards, there is just a feeling of gut wrenching regrets for not enjoying it more.

This weekend I was down at MCM Comicon at the excel centre in London and it was absolutely bloody marvellous. I had a stall selling leather goods and if you follow Broadarrow Jack's posts on Facebook, I commented that I was genuinely humbled by the fact that with the amount of choice in a space as big as Excel, people actually wanted to buy my stuff. Everyone did well as far as I know. The talks were great and the exhibition just keeps growing year on year. I have to admit that during the event, I couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted to due to the aforementioned fatigue. After the event (almost immediately after the doors had closed and the pack down had begun) I started to feel an almost overwhelming sense of loss that it was over and the vibrancy and life that was passing the steampunk collective throughout all three days was now irrevocably gone.

I think this is another one of those get it out of my head and onto paper/screen posts as I don't think I have a point here. There's no little trick to reducing the feeling of loss, the bank holiday Monday has helped a little as I have managed to catch up a little on some frivolous stuff like playing Assasin's creed. But there's a hollowness to today that wasn't there yesterday. I'm sure it's the same thing that people experience when they return from holiday, although I can't help thinking that the experience has been amplified by the depression and anxiety.

One small tip that I did find helping with me at least to cut down on anxiety whilst I was at the event was removing my shoes. When I am not wearing shoes, my brain switches to comfortable and relaxed mode. Maybe I need to wear shoes less...

So yeah... This is a brief touching base type of post today. 

Keep safe and keep going. 

Mark

It's been about a week since Whitby

Well it's been a week or so since I returned back from Whitby, how was it? It was OK. Made considerably better by the fact that I had a day to relax before setting up and the onslaught of customers etc. that was a great idea to be honest as I didn't have to be 'on' straight away. The selling itself wasn't brilliant, but it never is at the April goth weekend. It's mainly (for me at least) a proving ground for new stock lines. To test the market as it were.

Come home, I was in good spirits. However as week progressed the mood blackened and I felt increasingly under the dog as it were. A friend said that it could be something to do with mourning the loss of a weekend with friends, I'm inclined to agree, up to a point. 

There is always negativity from a small but vocal minority of goths at the 'incursion of non goths at their weekend'. Normally it's like water off a ducks back to me but this time, I took it very personally. I have absolutely no idea why that could have been but it happened.

I am not going to have a rant and a rave about what I think about those that will attack people of other persuasions openly in social media and then wave the S.O.P.H.I.E. banner with all their might when they feel they are being victimised. It's not worth it. It was interesting however to see that this made me  angry for my fellows, those that aren't that goth or that dress up in stuff they like to wear and come to a place to enjoy the weekend. I didn't go overboard with ridicule for the people that hate because that would be a little hypocritical but it did affect me.

To that end, I have been declining in mood all week and have now cancelled my attendance at an event that I should be having fun at. One of the third re-enactment events. They do give me something good to cling to, but then when we return from these weekends away, there is always someone that will have another go at us for having the wrong buttons or smiling and enjoying ourselves and informing the public in an entertaining manner rather than standing behind barbed wire and giving mini lectures. I knew that if I went this weekend, I would have to face the haters once again and take it in my stride again! Is it really worth it? I have dialled back the number of events that I am attending this year to see if the ones that I do attend make it worthwhile. At this point, Snowdon was great but there were notable absences from the ranks. This is the second event of the year and I am not feeling particularly positive about attending many others if I am goi to be feeling this way about it.

I know people say don't let it bother you but it does. If I am doing something, I want it to be as good as it can be. As entertaining as possible for the public as informative while still being engaging. Others do not roll that way and it pisses me off when they are vocal about it. 

The second reason for not attending this weekend was that I just couldn't face the public with a smile and a welcome in my heart. Friends are understanding about it to the point where they have rallied around and worked out a contingency plan in record time as I kind of pulled out at the last minute (I am eternally grateful to them for this). I am not proud of leaving people in the lurch, but likewise, I don't want to say yes I'll do it and then get there and have to spend the day in a tent hiding from the public. I realise that when I am in uniform, I am someone else although that only works up to a point.

I'm crap and I know it at the moment. I have commitments and should be honouring them. It's not like me to be like this and it is a little bewildering to be honest.

Not really a good sentence to end on, but I've sort of run out of steam on this one. People that know me, know that I get tongue tied in person but can be extremely verbose online. I think the tongue tiedness is creeping in here too.

Let's see what happens a few weeks hence...

Please feel free to disregard the following...

This post is not aimed at anyone at all, there is no ulterior motive for it other than I need to bellow at the sky for a little while.

I know it won't do any real good to do so, but I think my only real release comes in the pages of this blog. I can write it down and then it's the worlds problem what they do with it.

I've been suffering from Anxiety and depression for considerably over a year now, I've been taking pills for nearly a year and I still don't have any end in sight to it. I know that friends come off them and go back on them periodically. But I don't know if they are balancing me out. If they are, I really don't want to know what I would be like if I wasn't on them at the moment. Maybe my dosage needs addressing, I don't know. I have a telephone appointment booked with the doctor tomorrow and we can have a chat about it.

I've just had a row with Jeanette, my long suffering wife. I can't tell her how I am feeling because I don't know myself how I am feeling. My mum used to say that I needed putting in a sack and shaking? The best I can describe it is disconnected. I am disassociating with things and I know enough to know that is a very bad thing and certainly not a place I need to be at the moment.

Not that I would do anything silly at all I hasten to add. I am just not connecting with stuff in the way that I should be at the moment. I had a good weekend away at Whitby this last weekend, things were grand and now, I am sliding off the table onto the floor. 

I dunno what I wanted to say this evening. I just know that I have to say something. Even if it's just venting frustration at not knowing why I feel this way and the I can't articulate what it is that I'm feeling.

Not dark, not light, not here or there just in limbo a little without a handle to grip hold of. Set adrift amongst a sea of ambivalence.  

I don't want to take time off work again as it's a tenuous thread and the good will may just snap at some point. I just have to keep going, soldiering along keeping my head down and not causing waves where I would get noticed and singled out. It's a difficult thing to do in such a small department though.

Recently, I've been experiencing the familiar squirly stomach feeling when my fight or flight response kicks in, it hasn't actually kicked in as yet, but it's at the back of my mind and is a bit of a task to see it through. There was a department meeting today and I have to admit that I was getting anxious. The other thing is (which I might need to discuss with the doctor tomorrow) that I have been experiencing small flashes of what I can only describe as vertigo (I can only presume that's vertigo as I get dizzy and my brain kind of hiccups for a few seconds I've never suffered from vertigo in the past and I am normally as sure footed as a mountain goat but my balance has also been off for a little while. The episodes only last for a few seconds each but they are slightly disorienting and it does freak me a little when it happens.

The other thing that I am feeling a little low about is my weight. I've put on over 3 stone since giving up smoking and I am certainly feeling it. Jeanette asked me to go on a bike ride a little while ago to see a show at the local theatre and I have to admit that it nearly killed me! I know I shouldn't eat to excess when I am feeling this way, but it's damn difficult and I have zero willpower at the moment either.

So yeah, that's pretty much my fucked up life at the moment. If you've got to the end of this, you're either a true friend or so bored that you really do have nothing better to do. Either way, thanks for reading and I hope I have some good news soon. Maybe an increase in dosage may help, maybe not.

Counselling service? Why do I bother?

The title says it all really. I have been referred to the counselling service three times now. Each time I had the requisite 6 appointments. First counsellor was pretty good and helped a lot in the first stage of my depression and anxiety, second was a waste of space and decided to try and treat my insomnia as a cause rather than a symptom and the third was absolutely lovely. She helped me the most I feel. Even to the point of suggesting that I might be better with some further intensive therapy. This was consequently turned down because I'm not THAT anxious or depressed...

Let me just say that again, I was turned down because I wasn't at a certain pre-determined level. My treatment was stopped and I was expected to go and fend for myself. The third therapist gave me some tools to help me, but when the darkness started descending again, I didn't have anything to fall back on.

My problems are threefold and I normally downplay the paranoia aspect of my condition as it's not the most glamourous of things. Really feeling as though people are whispering about you and plotting behind your back to the point where all trust breaks down in friendships that have stood the test of time is not something that I like to talk about. The fact that you feel so worthless when you see others enjoying themselves is not a good thing for polite dinner conversation.

I have a theory that I know where this actually stems from... I was a precocious little brat as a child, the youngest of three brothers and there was one occasion that sticks in my memory for some reason.

My friends were having a party for some reason (I forget what it was for) and both of my brothers had been invited. They were my friends that were having the party and I had been left out. I wasn't going to take that lying down and went crying to my mum about it. She insisted that I be included in the party and I was duly accepted into the group. I was however ostracised by the group at the party and sat alone for the rest of it. At that point in my development, it was enough to be a part of the occasion even though I was not a part of the events unfolding around me. Now, I can look back on it and assess that, for whatever reason, they didn't want me in attendance and ai should have honoured that. I however ran to an authority figure demanding to be allowed access to something that I had been excluded from. Was it paranoia that I wasn't experience something that my friends were? I don't know as it was probably in the region of 35 years ago and only the bigger and more vivid elements stick in the memory. But that was the first time I can say that I felt the same sort of feeling that I am experiencing at the moment. That same isolation and self doubt.

I may have tools to help me now and be able to stand outside of myself dispassionately, but the ability to seriously do something about it is still lacking.

Which returns me back to my original point... The counselling service, do I play it straight and have to go through another round of 6 talking sessions ad nauseum? When will they see that borderline cases also might need further help? I suppose it's down to funding as with everything else. But it's not doing me any favours being in this constant limbo. 

Holiday this year necessary... A proper one this time, not a couple of stolen days away in the lakes. A full 2 weeks away from the crap and the politics and the clamouring of the students! Time to unwind, time to recharge and time to take stock!

Thanks to you guys Toby the way... For listening to my ranting and ravings. I hope that by layinmyself bare over the altar of the blogosphere, that some might see some similarities and hopefully get some help themselves rather than having to suffer with their problems... And for the rest, yes, I was a spoilt brat as a child and had robe the centre of attention, I would like to think that I've moved on since then. One of the reasons possibly why I am so socially awkward nowadays. But that's for another discussion at another time

I'm giving it a rest for once to provide a movie review. Be gentle, it's my first time!

Yes, you heard it correctly, I am giving my whining a rest for once and I'm going to talk about something that is very close to my heart.

Movies...

Well, not movies in general. One movie in particular.

A movie that I think is a John Carpenter masterpiece. 

Which one? You ask. The thing? Prince of darkness? Escape from New York? They Live?

None of those, although they are all very good in their own way. I am talking about a largely forgotten masterpiece. That of 'In the Mouth of Madness'.

 When I first saw this movie on its release, I was blown away by it as I had recently discovered Lovecraft and let's face it, it is a lovecraft story in everything other than name. At the time, I really didn't appreciate how intricate the plot was. I had recourse to discuss it a few weeks ago and realise that it was now available on region free DVD through Amazon.co.uk 

I bought it without hesitation hoping that it hadn't dated as badly as some of Carpenter's other movies have. I was not to be disappointed. It was every bit as good as I was expecting and with the added bonus of actually understanding some of the plot intricacies as well as some of the homages that were deliberately placed in there as deliberate hat tips towards Lovecraft and his writing.

It largely concerns the exploits of an insurance investigator who is sent to find a missing writer by the publisher that handles him. Sutter Cane out sells Stephen King two to one (according to the script) and has an army of loyal fans. His new book does strange things to the reader. The cast is delightfully strange and the main character is played by Sam Neill whose horror credentials are well established  and this movie probably secured his starring in Event Horizon. Jürgen Prochnow supports as the dark and enigmatic Sutter Cane. The supporting cast is actually quite incredible with David Warner and Charlton Heston to name but two. 

It is quite slow to get going, but if you are familiar with Lovecraft, you will be familiar with his penchant for painting idyllic pictures with only one or two small clues as to the horrors that will duly unfold. The film does start to unwind at quite a pace once the protagonists arrive in Hobb's End. There are the requisite amount of unspeakable monstrosities hiding just out of shot and the whole thing comes to a head with a really clever concept.

I won't spoil the finale for you, but the ending will have you scratching your head the first time you watch it, the second, there will be a dawning realisation of what you are watching.

I would personally give it an 8 out of 10 for originality and just general weirdness.

If you ever get the chance, watch it. Persevere with it you won't be disappointed

I'm going through something here...

OK, I don't know what I am going to write here, but I think I am having some sort of attack of paranoia. It's just come in so I am blogging it as it happens. Ms J is still,awake lying next to me, but I think I am hiding it quite well. I am however freaking out internally. Rate of breathing and heart rate are all quicker. Not sure if this is now building to anxiety. 

I started thinking about a complaint that I received from a student earlier this semester earlier this evening and have been stewing on it ever since . I haven't had any reassurances back about it from line managers. I don't know what is happening regarding it I was told I was not allowed to know what I had been accused of. This has put me in a bit of a panic. I'm sure that I would still be worried about it even if I was doing OK in myself without the need for medication. 

I am due back at work tomorrow, the student in question didn't bother coming to any of the lectures coming up to Xmas, but their presentations are due in on Tuesday and I still have no idea how I am supposed to approach this. Have I received any support about it? Nope. Are they taking into account the problems that I have been having? Not a clue! Am I really starting to freak out about it? You bet your fucking arse I am!!!!!

Feeling very cast adrift at work at the moment. I don't know who my line manager is, I don't know what my job entails any more as it's been changed that fucking often by subsequent heads of department and deans. It's about to be changed again from something that I have been doing for 11 years now to something completely different. I teach waaaay more than I should and they still won't fucking do anything about my job. I don't research, well it's not in my remit to do that, but I never really wanted to do that being more of a practitioner. But they won't do a thing about my contract without research profiles etc. there are no other jobs out there for me, the one that I did apply for last year got pulled by their dean for some reason (I heard from a colleague) and I was flanneled off with you don't have enough experience. I hadn't really thought about it before tonight, but I don't think that I would want to work for someone that would lie to me like that anyway, but at the time, I was pretty cut up about it.

Getting this out onto the screen is helping a little, not a huge amount though. I don't think I am going to get much sleep tonight with all of the adrenaline sloshing about in my system...

Why the hell do I put myself through this shit? What sort of a person would consciously consider this down to the Nth degree? Are they really compiling a case against me at work? Is this just something else to put in the Mark is incompetent and once we hit the magic number, his ass is grass file? I put myself through all of this, but it's worth it when I see a costume design student that finally gets how a pattern goes together, when a tech theatre student works out the optimum lighting angle for that spotlight she's been focussing. The smile on their faces, the comprehension in their eyes and then one spiteful individual complains and the whole fucking house of cards comes crashing down.

It's interesting to note that when I was discussing with colleagues about the possibility of moving on to a different academic institution, only one person said that they would miss me. One! How fucking worthless do you think I felt at that point?

Paranoia is a very strange beast, the slightest thing can set it off, but I am learning to identify when I am having an attack. Hence this evening's blog. I am writing it so that I can come back to it later and assess how I am coping with it. The answer at the moment seems to be not incredibly well. I am not sure how much help the pills are... I missed a couple of days over Christmas due to the doctor wig. Closed and me not realising that I had completely run out of them and I am wondering if this is some sort of kick back from that. I don't want to worry Ms. J with it as she has now fallen asleep, but it's not helping me to deal at the moment.

Is this coming off as being Whiney? I have no idea if it is or not. If these problems seem trivial to you guys reading this, believe me, in my head, they are not, they are a large part of my thought processes at the moment to the extent that I am having trouble concentrating on anything else. I may go downstairs and have a warm drink and see if I can work off some of this adrenaline by killings bikes or something. 

I made a resolution this morning... Not anything as twee as a New Years resolution or anything. It was more of a resolution to take some control back as I have relinquished so much of it to others. I go and I do and I am a happy little soldier. No more. My first action in taking control back is in my own body. I will be starting a regimen of weight loss and exercise over the coming year to lose at least 2 stone to get back to the point I was at 2.5 years ago when I quit smoking. The next part is to try and sort my head out. Come off the pills, de-stress. If that means quitting my job for a less stressful life then it might have to come to that. Academics get 6 months leave every 4-5 years so that they can research without teaching commitments so that they can write and publish. I may have to ask for a leave of absence for a while to see if I can get my head back on straight.

Feeling slightly better now for getting my thoughts out of my head and onto the page. This is something that I think I need once in a while, a cathartic scream at the heavens... Shame I don't live closer to the sea as I used to enjoy going for a paddle. It used to ground me and I could tell my concerns and secrets to the waves and they wouldn't be moved by them, they would take them and keep on lapping away, taking them out to sea away from me so that I could move on...

That's just given me an idea...

Electronic messages in a bottle. The recipient writes down whatever they want to, poems, dreams, fears etc. Saves them on a USB drive and then seals the drive up in a bottle which they then throw out to sea. This might help me rid myself of some demons.

The bottle is inscribed with the legend. Feel free to delete me and use me for positive purposes, this drive contains my demons, I don't want or need them any more. 

We haven't really heard from you recently, are you OK?

The simple answer to that is... Why yes, surprisingly enough I am doing OK.

Things that would have sent me careening off the rails earlier this year are not being such a problem at the moment.

Is it the pills? Could be. Is it the therapy? Not so sure about that. It's a bit of a slog getting through the therapy sessions although my therapist has suggested a more rigorous treatment of which I am a little nervous.  I know that it's up to me and all that and I can call a halt to it if necessary, but I mentioned in my last session that one of my goals is to be well which took her aback a little. I know it's a ver subjective thing and with the whole 'once you have knowledge of a thing it is impossible to un-know it, I would actually like to feel as good as I used to before I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety which isn't going to happen as it is something that I have to live with now possibly for a long time and even then, it'll still be there hanging over my head.

That's something that I didn't originally consider, even if I work at the university for the next 5 years and my sick leave is expunged from the records, would I need to inform prospective employers about the depression and anxiety? My gut says no, why the hell should I, but my head says of course you should. If they want you that badly, they should be aware of it as much as any other medical condition and it shouldn't make a difference. Although the emphasis on that sentence is the word shouldn't. Of course it invariably will have an effect on how I am viewed by a potential employer.

Illness of any sort if it is chronic (and let's face it, depression and anxiety are both chronic conditions that can reoccur) needs to be acknowledged. I heard a radio report a couple of days ago that said that employers must now take into account and encompass obesity related issues into the workplace. I think it's a good idea, but not to the detriment of a person's health. Why then does mental health still have this stigma attached to it? No, I was committed. No, I wasn't suicidal (even though I do know how I would do it down to the last detail. Don't get me started on that one relating to the therapy service blunt scalpel approach to periodic appraisal of a patient). No I didn't want to go into a bell tower and pick people off one by one (well, where can one find a decent high velocity rifle and suitable vantage point in the UK?) I DID feel very low and not worthy of any attention, I let myself go (in fact I still haven't picked myself up on that score as yet). Why then can an employer, potential or otherwise still discriminate on the grounds of mental health. My current employer has been fantastic, however I could just as easily have been sidelined and quietly disposed of somewhere else.

So yeah, I am starting to get back into an even keel and that has been down to an understanding employer and understanding friends and family. When I finally admitted to my parents that I had needed to take some time off for depression and anxiety issues, they were a little confused by it, but backed me all the way. 

I will close by saying one thing. You may have a decent life, you may have the love of a perfect spouse and money in the bank, a roof over your head and a good job, but depression doesn't respect that, anxiety doesn't care about those things, in fact, anxiety can be fuelled by those things. It doesn't matter if you are one of the funniest and most well liked people on this earth, it can get you and twist your noodle into a knot that is impossible to see a way out of. I was lucky, as I caught it in time, that particular worm didn't have a chance to dig it's way too far into my brain, but for others, it is a very real and dangerous thing. Just check with friends that you may not have heard of in a little while, particularly at this time of year. Just a hello, how're you doing is normally adequate they may want to have a bit of a rant, and do you know what? That's OK as far as I am concerned because if they are still ranting, they haven't become hopeless which is a very desperate place to be.

So now, I go back to shouting at motorway overpasses. Have a fabulous winter celebration of your choice. Personally, I have been kicking back and having nothing to do with tradition this year. We haven't even put any decorations up yet!!