Control and the psyche

I only have a few minutes to write his as I will be teaching in about 20 minutes so it might have grammatical and spelling mistakes.

But that's kind of the point of today's post. I had a brilliant session today with my therapist and if I don't get it down on digital paper, I'll forget.

Basically my therapist asked me about embarrassment as I had an episode of anxiety and paranoia last week when colleagues appeared to be laughing at me due to my relative lack of academic credentials. I won't go into what happened, but it lead to a revelation (and it's only my second session)

One of my earliest (if not THE earliest) memory that I have is one where I had to relinquish control to a higher authority. Admittedly, I was little more than a toddler, but the issue with control is still there. I was not in control of myself so I felt helpless and inadequate as a result. This has gone through most of my recollections that have coloured life choices and times when I have had decisions to make. It's difficult for me to ask for help as I need to control myself.

When I was young, my mum told me that I have two ears and one mouth. This has lead me to listen more than speak. I am an overanalyser to a large degree. The control issue is central to my raison d'etre 😄. Why have I such a need to control myself and remain restrained in everything I do?

I need to process this information over the next week or so. I have a lot to think about, is it a case of relinquishing control occasionally? Is it a case of managing control issues? Is it a case of acknowledging that I can't do some things and other things are out of my control? I dunno yet, but I am determined to think about it.

When we were talking about it today, my therapist asked me why I had started smiling while answering a difficult question. It was definitely a case of the penny dropping and realising an issue when previously I hadn't connected those two neurons together.

To be continued. This might take a different turn yet again and the blog might become my virtual sounding board... A sort of dear diary if you will. If you want to continue reading, feel free. Full disclosure of everything is healthy. I want others to know who I am and hopefully neurons might start firing and connecting with them.