loss of control and paranoia

Interesting turn that my thought processes have taken since first publishing my previous post.

While I acknowledge that I have control issues, the bigger problem I have come to feel is that I have deeper issues with loss of control which lead to paranoid negative thoughts.

I'm not sure what I can do with this as I am basically marking time until my next therapy appointment, but my therapist asked me to consider the problems and try and work through the issues to process them in a detached way. This is incredibly difficult for me to be honest. I would like to think I am intelligent enough to compartmentalise my emotions and look at them abstractly under a microscope, but it's difficult to separate the very raw negative emotions and view them from an objective standpoint. I can of course recognise when I am having these thoughts, but I'm not able to detach from them.

Thbere have been times when I have thought seriously about quitting my work here at the university and looking at other avenues of work. It does feel that most of my issues have come from work to be honest.

Sometimes I think that the level of paranoia that I experience can't possibly be justified by psychological problems alone and occasionally, the paranoia wins a small victory in the overall war of attrition for my sanity by performing a sneak attack and getting one of their own under the radar where it acts perfectly reasonably until it sticks its needle in and starts working at that point, I start to feel that surely it can't ALL be in my head can it?

Can it?

I don't know... Having seen the way in which other colleagues have been treated in the past and having them leave employment as a result of it, I can see correlations in what I am experiencing. Sometimes it's a look or a roll of the eyes that is noticed from the corner of my eye. sometimes that's all it takes to make me spiral and let the soldiers of paranoia a loophole to climb in and start making trenches.