Alienation

Oh right! You are talking my language now! Alien Nation, loved the movie, the TV show was a bit pants and went on for a little too long, but the concept was brilliant and I think went on to inspire the likes of District 9 etc.

No, not that Alien Nation you wally, 

Alienation: (n), The feeling that you have no connection with the people around you. 

Depressed people frequently feel a sense of alienation from those around them. (My emphasis)

It's all about perception isn't it if I call someone and it goes to voicemail, I can think one of two different things, either they hadn't heard the phone or it was on silent, OR they are deliberately screening their calls and not Wanting To Talk To Me. AND, OH GOD! WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME SO MUCH?

I'm sure you get the the point. It's the nagging doubt that maybe people have no time for you and your depression is the only thing they see when they picture you. Whether this is actually the case is open to interpretation, but one of the things that people who are depressed tend to do is to pre-empt this alienation. It's going to happen anyway they believe, so they have to control it by being the instigator. Maybe this is just me talking here, but there is little enough that I feel that I have control of with my mental health, one thing that I feel that I can control is something to hang onto even if it is a self destructive thing.

I have spoken to other people in the past about this, I won't mention individual cases as it's really not my intention to out people, but it think that the control issue is perhaps one of the major triggers that a depressed mind will dwell upon the most. It may be body issues or substance abuse etc. but as long as there is one thing that the depressed mind can get a hook into and control (or have the illusion of control) then the world can be coped with. Some people manage to live like this for years (or so I have read) quite manageably, but others don't cope well with it. I think I am in the latter camp. 

I have talked in the past about the electronic support network, about paying it forward and random acts of kindness which I occasionally have to be reminded about, (thank you to my lovely wife for that) I have talked the talk but I have not walked the walk. I have systematically alienated friends as a pre-emptive strike against them distancing themselves from me. I am not proud of this fact. But it's there and a fact. I don't know if I can do anything about it other than to say this (and I can say it here because I am not sitting across a table from you or in your front room playing Xbox (or your game platform of choice)). If it appears that I am pulling away from you or the group. I may in fact be trying to do the opposite. My whole being may be screaming at me that I don't want to do this apart from that little corner of the mind that appears to be in control of my mouth and actions who is saying 'do it to them before they do it to you. It's inevitable you know, everything you do either turns to shit or is so half arsed that people are laughing at you behind your back. Fuck 'em. Listen to me, I have the inside track on what people are really like.

Oh, sorry... Did I mention the paranoia too? I forgot about that... That potent little double barrelled  cocktail of paranoia and self loathing. A heady mix and one that can make you do things that you really oughtn't be doing.

Yes, I may come off as aloof in social gatherings if I don't know you that well, I just don't want to open up. Call it upbringing, call it an inability to cope with emotions. A friend mentioned that we are all high functioning autistic to varying degrees. I don't have any medical research to back that claim up of course, but it certainly feels right. A way to mentally level the playing field. I am just as screwed up as everyone else, but they can either hide it better or are not aware of it in as much detail as I am. 

Where was I going with this? I think It actually ended up as a tangential riffing monologue based on my recent practises of figuratively pushing people away. I had a bad week this week for no apparent reason, I've done a little bit of reading on it and apparently, brain chemistry can change quite rapidly. Leading to mood swings. It was the first time that I had ever felt something like that. Going from being quite buoyant to black despair in the space of about 30 minutes. It was quite scary to be perfectly honest and reading the blog back that I wrote while it was happening is a little more laying my soul bare than I originally intended to be on here. But I digress. Scary scenes inside the gold mine and all that guys. Hopefully, now that I have experienced the rapid escalation of the black dog, I will be able to see it in future for what it really is. Brian chemistry and a deficiency of some description.

The TL:DR of it is that if people appear to be pushing you away, ask them. They may not want to be doing it or they may genuinely have issues... Whatever happens, the issue has been brought to the front of conversation and can be dealt with there and then.

Please just fucking talk about it people! Don't let it fester! You are my friends for a reason.