Well, I say a number of things, mostly all of it went wrong. Some of it was the fault of poor audience management, some of it was nerves, still some of it was the inability to perform my act with one hand wrapped around a microphone. (The lapel mic that I was given crapped out after about 3 lines into the performance). Practical upshot was that none of the effects worked that well and a couple of them fell flat on their arse. The crowd may have been too embarrassed for me to boo, but as the act dragged on and another issue befell me, it became a long, slow house of cards tumbling down until there nothing but a pile of crap left.
The fact that I had been knocked back pretty badly earlier in the week meant that I wanted this performance to go really well so that I could have a bit of a high spot this week. I think that was my first mistake. The fact that I had built it up to be something that has to happen meant that I was so nervous of what could go wrong. Which inevitably happened. A self fulfilling prophecy if you will.
I fully expect never to be called back by the organisers and I really couldn't blame them after yesterday evening's debacle.
I should never have stepped onstage to be honest. I am a pretty good theatre technician. I work better in the dark. I should have been content with that and let others take the applause and adulation.
That isn't strictly what today's blog is about.
Today's blog is about self destructive behaviour.
The fact that everything had to go right last night to bring me back up after the low of earlier this week and then it going completely Pete Tong meant that I was in a pretty bad place last night. I thought I had felt low in the past, but last night's black dog spanned chasms of which I was at the bottom.
I hoped I could ride it out, I hoped that the talking therapy would help me. That the CBT might give me the tools to bring me back. That hasn't happened. My destructive self has meant that I am now seriously considering the mood stabilisers again that I was prescribed waaaay back when.
I hate feeling this way. I am pushing my friends away (despite what I said in my previous blog). Jeanette is, as always, a constant though.
As a slight aside, I have been talking to a few people recently who have said that they like reading the blog, they don't comment either here or on The Facebook when I announce it. This is perfectly fine. I have no problem if only a few people read it, you don't need to post an 'Amen Brother!' to it. If you get something from it then that is the point. To be able to identify a little with what is happening to me and maybe not feel alone.
There is a saying that I'm not sure is that widely used outside of the North-East, "misery loves company". I use it myself from time to time. Possibly not in the most appropriate of surroundings sometimes I will admit as it sounds really negative. The original intention of it was to alert others to the fact that if someone is miserable, they want to bring everyone else down.
But I don't actually think it has to be taken as a negative. There is an affirmation in that statement. Affinity and identification. If you identify with someone, you are like minded. Get a few more people together and you become a group. Still more and you have the makings of a movement.
That's the way that I take that statement now. Maybe not the original intention, but I can choose to alter the emphasis if I want!
Sorry, that was less if a side note and more of a serious tangent there.
Back on track. Self destructive behaviour is a dangerous spiral. One that I was riding helter skelter downwards last night. Black mood, arguing with friends and Jeanette, drinking to excess, generally not being a pleasant chap. I'm sure you get the picture. I don't know if it's a part of the human condition that you have to go through that to ride the slide all the way to the bottom, or choose to check out half way down. Maybe the chemical alternative is that checking out.
Is it worth stepping away for a little while? Giving the mind a holiday?
I can't remember the last time I gave the body a holiday, time away to really relax. It's been rehearsals and making and stress for the past few years. Also a form of self destructive behaviour as far as I am concerned. We give the excuses that I work 9-5 without the ability to take time off inside term time and Jeanette works a bizarre shift pattern. 'It's difficult to schedule' we opine! Is this just an excuse? Surely if we really want to do something so badly, we would just go and do it?
Seems not. Wonder why that is?
Time to give the mind a break I think. Some time to heal and re-group.
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