I'm going through something here...

OK, I don't know what I am going to write here, but I think I am having some sort of attack of paranoia. It's just come in so I am blogging it as it happens. Ms J is still,awake lying next to me, but I think I am hiding it quite well. I am however freaking out internally. Rate of breathing and heart rate are all quicker. Not sure if this is now building to anxiety. 

I started thinking about a complaint that I received from a student earlier this semester earlier this evening and have been stewing on it ever since . I haven't had any reassurances back about it from line managers. I don't know what is happening regarding it I was told I was not allowed to know what I had been accused of. This has put me in a bit of a panic. I'm sure that I would still be worried about it even if I was doing OK in myself without the need for medication. 

I am due back at work tomorrow, the student in question didn't bother coming to any of the lectures coming up to Xmas, but their presentations are due in on Tuesday and I still have no idea how I am supposed to approach this. Have I received any support about it? Nope. Are they taking into account the problems that I have been having? Not a clue! Am I really starting to freak out about it? You bet your fucking arse I am!!!!!

Feeling very cast adrift at work at the moment. I don't know who my line manager is, I don't know what my job entails any more as it's been changed that fucking often by subsequent heads of department and deans. It's about to be changed again from something that I have been doing for 11 years now to something completely different. I teach waaaay more than I should and they still won't fucking do anything about my job. I don't research, well it's not in my remit to do that, but I never really wanted to do that being more of a practitioner. But they won't do a thing about my contract without research profiles etc. there are no other jobs out there for me, the one that I did apply for last year got pulled by their dean for some reason (I heard from a colleague) and I was flanneled off with you don't have enough experience. I hadn't really thought about it before tonight, but I don't think that I would want to work for someone that would lie to me like that anyway, but at the time, I was pretty cut up about it.

Getting this out onto the screen is helping a little, not a huge amount though. I don't think I am going to get much sleep tonight with all of the adrenaline sloshing about in my system...

Why the hell do I put myself through this shit? What sort of a person would consciously consider this down to the Nth degree? Are they really compiling a case against me at work? Is this just something else to put in the Mark is incompetent and once we hit the magic number, his ass is grass file? I put myself through all of this, but it's worth it when I see a costume design student that finally gets how a pattern goes together, when a tech theatre student works out the optimum lighting angle for that spotlight she's been focussing. The smile on their faces, the comprehension in their eyes and then one spiteful individual complains and the whole fucking house of cards comes crashing down.

It's interesting to note that when I was discussing with colleagues about the possibility of moving on to a different academic institution, only one person said that they would miss me. One! How fucking worthless do you think I felt at that point?

Paranoia is a very strange beast, the slightest thing can set it off, but I am learning to identify when I am having an attack. Hence this evening's blog. I am writing it so that I can come back to it later and assess how I am coping with it. The answer at the moment seems to be not incredibly well. I am not sure how much help the pills are... I missed a couple of days over Christmas due to the doctor wig. Closed and me not realising that I had completely run out of them and I am wondering if this is some sort of kick back from that. I don't want to worry Ms. J with it as she has now fallen asleep, but it's not helping me to deal at the moment.

Is this coming off as being Whiney? I have no idea if it is or not. If these problems seem trivial to you guys reading this, believe me, in my head, they are not, they are a large part of my thought processes at the moment to the extent that I am having trouble concentrating on anything else. I may go downstairs and have a warm drink and see if I can work off some of this adrenaline by killings bikes or something. 

I made a resolution this morning... Not anything as twee as a New Years resolution or anything. It was more of a resolution to take some control back as I have relinquished so much of it to others. I go and I do and I am a happy little soldier. No more. My first action in taking control back is in my own body. I will be starting a regimen of weight loss and exercise over the coming year to lose at least 2 stone to get back to the point I was at 2.5 years ago when I quit smoking. The next part is to try and sort my head out. Come off the pills, de-stress. If that means quitting my job for a less stressful life then it might have to come to that. Academics get 6 months leave every 4-5 years so that they can research without teaching commitments so that they can write and publish. I may have to ask for a leave of absence for a while to see if I can get my head back on straight.

Feeling slightly better now for getting my thoughts out of my head and onto the page. This is something that I think I need once in a while, a cathartic scream at the heavens... Shame I don't live closer to the sea as I used to enjoy going for a paddle. It used to ground me and I could tell my concerns and secrets to the waves and they wouldn't be moved by them, they would take them and keep on lapping away, taking them out to sea away from me so that I could move on...

That's just given me an idea...

Electronic messages in a bottle. The recipient writes down whatever they want to, poems, dreams, fears etc. Saves them on a USB drive and then seals the drive up in a bottle which they then throw out to sea. This might help me rid myself of some demons.

The bottle is inscribed with the legend. Feel free to delete me and use me for positive purposes, this drive contains my demons, I don't want or need them any more. 

We haven't really heard from you recently, are you OK?

The simple answer to that is... Why yes, surprisingly enough I am doing OK.

Things that would have sent me careening off the rails earlier this year are not being such a problem at the moment.

Is it the pills? Could be. Is it the therapy? Not so sure about that. It's a bit of a slog getting through the therapy sessions although my therapist has suggested a more rigorous treatment of which I am a little nervous.  I know that it's up to me and all that and I can call a halt to it if necessary, but I mentioned in my last session that one of my goals is to be well which took her aback a little. I know it's a ver subjective thing and with the whole 'once you have knowledge of a thing it is impossible to un-know it, I would actually like to feel as good as I used to before I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety which isn't going to happen as it is something that I have to live with now possibly for a long time and even then, it'll still be there hanging over my head.

That's something that I didn't originally consider, even if I work at the university for the next 5 years and my sick leave is expunged from the records, would I need to inform prospective employers about the depression and anxiety? My gut says no, why the hell should I, but my head says of course you should. If they want you that badly, they should be aware of it as much as any other medical condition and it shouldn't make a difference. Although the emphasis on that sentence is the word shouldn't. Of course it invariably will have an effect on how I am viewed by a potential employer.

Illness of any sort if it is chronic (and let's face it, depression and anxiety are both chronic conditions that can reoccur) needs to be acknowledged. I heard a radio report a couple of days ago that said that employers must now take into account and encompass obesity related issues into the workplace. I think it's a good idea, but not to the detriment of a person's health. Why then does mental health still have this stigma attached to it? No, I was committed. No, I wasn't suicidal (even though I do know how I would do it down to the last detail. Don't get me started on that one relating to the therapy service blunt scalpel approach to periodic appraisal of a patient). No I didn't want to go into a bell tower and pick people off one by one (well, where can one find a decent high velocity rifle and suitable vantage point in the UK?) I DID feel very low and not worthy of any attention, I let myself go (in fact I still haven't picked myself up on that score as yet). Why then can an employer, potential or otherwise still discriminate on the grounds of mental health. My current employer has been fantastic, however I could just as easily have been sidelined and quietly disposed of somewhere else.

So yeah, I am starting to get back into an even keel and that has been down to an understanding employer and understanding friends and family. When I finally admitted to my parents that I had needed to take some time off for depression and anxiety issues, they were a little confused by it, but backed me all the way. 

I will close by saying one thing. You may have a decent life, you may have the love of a perfect spouse and money in the bank, a roof over your head and a good job, but depression doesn't respect that, anxiety doesn't care about those things, in fact, anxiety can be fuelled by those things. It doesn't matter if you are one of the funniest and most well liked people on this earth, it can get you and twist your noodle into a knot that is impossible to see a way out of. I was lucky, as I caught it in time, that particular worm didn't have a chance to dig it's way too far into my brain, but for others, it is a very real and dangerous thing. Just check with friends that you may not have heard of in a little while, particularly at this time of year. Just a hello, how're you doing is normally adequate they may want to have a bit of a rant, and do you know what? That's OK as far as I am concerned because if they are still ranting, they haven't become hopeless which is a very desperate place to be.

So now, I go back to shouting at motorway overpasses. Have a fabulous winter celebration of your choice. Personally, I have been kicking back and having nothing to do with tradition this year. We haven't even put any decorations up yet!!

It's been a little while

So yeah, it's been a while and I haven't updated. I am still alive, I am still seeing my therapist and the doctor gave me 2 months of citalopram when I spoke to her last. 

How am I doing you ask?

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you will know what I mean when I say not bad with a weird little half smile... I really mean that I am having a difficult time at the moment and I don't want to bring you down with my lunacy, anxiety and depression. So it's just easier to say not bad... People have stopped asking though. On the one hand, this makes it easier to retreat back into my shell and protect myself, on the other I start to feel like they don't actually want to hear how I am doing so they are afraid to ask anymore. 

Recently, I've been feeling quite down, the futility and hopelessness is returning and I don't want it to. I mentioned it to her Ladyship a couple of days ago to let her know that there may be a rough few weeks ahead of us. She took it in her stride as she normally does when I let her know that I am feeling low. To the extent that I was treated with ice cream for pud this evening. 

Speaking of this evening, I got out of the car after coming home and came into the house singing one of the songs that I had heard on Radio 2 on the way home this evening. Ms. J said that she likes to hear me singing as I come in as she hadn't heard it in a long while. I wasn't aware that this was the case, but the more I think about it, the more I think that she is right. By the end of the evening, I had had an argument with my lady about absolutely nothin. That's how quickly my mood can change.

I don't know what to do at the moment. There is a phrase in the North east (we have a lot of phrases) I'm all at sixes and sevens... That's how I feel at the moment. Anything can set me off on a negative or a positive swing. There isn't any kind of trigger that I can see. 

On the plus side, work have been great so far. I have had some of my workload removed from me for a little while. I have a little bit more for the back end of the semester, but hopefully I'll be able to cope with it. 

So there you go, that's what life is like in my little corner of crazy at the moment. Updates will follow as and when I have anything to report.

In the meantime, stay tuned to this channel.

Well that actually happened didn't it?

I wrote a very long blog post about Robin Williams this evening. It was self indulgent and I related his condition to my own in a way that I shouldnt have. His black dog was a completely different breed to mine.

I won't say anything else on the matter except to say that I'll miss your work. Rest easy buddy.

update

I won't post what I want to post here. I want to scream and shout about stuff in general, but I won't. I've now been off for a little while and  I thought that I was getting my head together quite well. As it happens, it was a very fragile thing. I thought I was becoming more grounded and able to cope with stuff. Turns out all it takes is one thing to knock me back to the anxiety that I was experiencing before. The only good thing is that now I can analyse it. I am still anxious, but I can also look at myself from outside and see what is happening. Is this an effect of the increased dose of citalopram? I have no idea.

If I were to analyse this dispassionately, I would say that these things happen, The other side of me (thankfully not as all encompassing as before) says why the hell does it always happen to you though? The paranoid man would think that he was being actively targetted. The truth of the matter is that it's probably going to end up as just one of those things.

I am rambling, but this stream of consciousness rambling is probably helping me no end. I want to get this out of my head before it becomes something that takes root and digs in with insidious tendrils around my brain so that it becomes all encompassing and I start obsessing. I have done this in the past. I don't really mind/care if you are reading this post. I won't be publicising it on facebook and that tends not to draw in the readership so I am pretty safe with this.

I seem to be a victim of poor timing. I have been a victim of poor timing for quite some time now as far as I can tell. Possibly to the point where it couldn't possibly be coincidence any longer and it might start to look like it is purposefully happening. Again with the paranoia? Yep, unfortunately. That's something that is still swirling around the pea soup of my noodle.

I've been considering jacking work in again. Is this mid life crisis? I sincerely hope so. If that is actually the case, it won't last into my later life. I have visions of me at some point in the future yelling at flyovers with a can of stella in my hand. Is that something anyone can identify with? I'm fucking scared. I really am. Am I losing my mind? Is this normal? I wrote a while ago that 'it is a dark time for the rebellion'. I wish the me now could tell the me then that that wasn't darkness. this is darkness. This is hopefully as dark as it gets.

But isn't that what it is before the dawn? I certainly hope so. The sun had better get a fucking move on. I'm waiting here tapping my foot and looking pointedly at my watch.

Just to clarify, I am NOT suicidal. I am far too narcissistic for that.

My grandpappy always said, leave them with a gag (Well he would have if he was on the stage and didn't work in a garage but the sentiment is there and I don't want to fib to anyone)

So here you go...

Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. the first says to the second, "Hello!"
The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, "God, I wonder what *that* was all about?"

Why is it so difficult to relax?

The question at the top of the page says it all really. I was asked when signed off for sick leave to not have any contact with my employer for a week. This was achieved with little to no problem. I was then asked to just relax for a little while and to try an not let anything get me wound up. This has proved to be a little more problematic. I find it difficult to sit and watch TV or read a book any more. I have the sense that I should be doing 'something' to ensure that I am not wasting the space that I inhabit. I have been doing some bits and pieces of leatherwork while I have been off. No commissions, mainly purely speculative or developmental stuff so that once I get back on an even keel, I will have some new stuff to show and sell that others haven't considered in the past.

 It's interesting that I am seeing copies of my stuff starting to show up on Etsy from china and Indonesia etc. I don't really mind. In one sense it's flattering that they think the design is good enough to rip off. This hasn't bothered me nearly as much as I thought it would. 

It strange, but looking at how the leather working is going, I wouldn't normally even entertain such notions, but the thought of going self employed has crossed my mind a couple of times recently... Mind you, one thing I learned in business studies is that the person that thinks that he is his own boss if he is self employed is a fool and doomed to inevitable failure. Self employment just means that your boss is every single person that places an order with you! Some may be easy going, some may be really difficult and exacting. I have had a couple of difficult clients recently, one I had to say that I just couldn't work with them because they were asking for something that I was physically incapable of producing. Another was a bit of a disappointment because I just couldn't see a way of resolving the issues that were a part of the brief for a lovely client that I have dealt with before. Even though they were totally understanding about it, I hate letting people down.  As a consequence, I have, while I am mental at least, placed an embargo on commissions. It's just too stressful and comes back down to that boss thing again. 

But I realise that I'm teasing you dear reader a little, you didn't come here to read about my trials and tribulations in leather working... You want to know the gory details about what is happening in my head. I saw the doc last Thursday and she suggested that I remain at the higher dose of 40mg of citalopram for the time being. The side effects are still in evidence. Sleep is almost non existent at the moment and I count myself lucky if I get more than 4hrs per night. I have had a couple of rather worrying spaced out moments. This is part of the horror stories that I read about when I was first reading up about the side effects of citalopram, the haze descends and you feel a bit weird for a while. It's hard to explain, but I think it feels a bit like being a little out of phase with the world. The brain slows down and the best that you can do is just watch as it passes you by. That wasn't a very accurate explanation, but it's the best I can do without the vocabulary to explain it fully. It's not exactly a fugue, but it's a bit more than daydreaming and a little bit disorienting when it happens particularly when I am out without Ms. J to ground me.

You know that feeling when you are standing in the edge of a cliff and there is a little voice in your head that says jump? Yeah, it turns out that it's not a good idea to mention that voice when you are talking to your doctor during these appointments... She suggested that Ms. J should take control of my medication. And she is still very serious about me wanting to harm myself even though I was merely engaging in an academic exercise of considering the best way to do it... Turns out normal people don't think about that sort of thing... Who knew eh?

So, good or bad, the increase in dosage is certainly doing something to my brain chemistry. I have just over a week and a bit of this sick note remaining, the doctor is quite happy to sign me off for another month if it is necessary, but I feel a little crappy about leaving work in the lurch, so might get in touch with them to see if I can arrange a phased return.

So, yeah, that's about it for this instalment. Stay tuned, same bat time, same bat channel for more updates as and when they arrive.

rollercoaster rides

Update on this week...

The stoooory so far... After the meltdown in a staff meeting earlier this week our intrepid hero decided that work was one of the major contributing frustrations and was not allowing him to work through the issues that he was having. The way things were going, he would have been up a bell tower with either a long rope or a high powered rifle by the end of the week. At this point, he decided that it wasn't in his best interests to remain in work and made an appointment with the doctor to see if he could get a sick note.

Aaaand now, the exciting conclusion to this chapter.

The doctor suggested that my meds be upped to a double dose and signed me off for a month. She told me to not even think about work for a week, no e-mails, no contact at all there were a couple of revelations in that appointment, for me and for Ms. J who had accompanied me. As a consequence, for the past few days, I've been working on stuff that doesn't tax my brain. The leather work that I do, could be regarded as a type of therapy for me. I can get out of my brain for a little while and be creative. Thing is that if I am working on commissions, I get stressed with getting it right for the client, so I've decided to knock the commissions on the head for the time being. I'll still make new stuff, but it's going to be either selling from stock or on the stall... This means that I am going to have to keep a tighter control of stock levels on the Etsy and on the other selling sites that I use.

The insomnia appears to be never ending at the moment and I am getting about 4 hrs per night. On the plus side, due to upping my meds, the lack of appetite seems to have kicked in, so that might be something that I can get under control.

So yeah, rollercoaster or what this week... Ms. J has remained a constant levelling influence.
I love that woman!