We haven't really heard from you recently, are you OK?

The simple answer to that is... Why yes, surprisingly enough I am doing OK.

Things that would have sent me careening off the rails earlier this year are not being such a problem at the moment.

Is it the pills? Could be. Is it the therapy? Not so sure about that. It's a bit of a slog getting through the therapy sessions although my therapist has suggested a more rigorous treatment of which I am a little nervous.  I know that it's up to me and all that and I can call a halt to it if necessary, but I mentioned in my last session that one of my goals is to be well which took her aback a little. I know it's a ver subjective thing and with the whole 'once you have knowledge of a thing it is impossible to un-know it, I would actually like to feel as good as I used to before I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety which isn't going to happen as it is something that I have to live with now possibly for a long time and even then, it'll still be there hanging over my head.

That's something that I didn't originally consider, even if I work at the university for the next 5 years and my sick leave is expunged from the records, would I need to inform prospective employers about the depression and anxiety? My gut says no, why the hell should I, but my head says of course you should. If they want you that badly, they should be aware of it as much as any other medical condition and it shouldn't make a difference. Although the emphasis on that sentence is the word shouldn't. Of course it invariably will have an effect on how I am viewed by a potential employer.

Illness of any sort if it is chronic (and let's face it, depression and anxiety are both chronic conditions that can reoccur) needs to be acknowledged. I heard a radio report a couple of days ago that said that employers must now take into account and encompass obesity related issues into the workplace. I think it's a good idea, but not to the detriment of a person's health. Why then does mental health still have this stigma attached to it? No, I was committed. No, I wasn't suicidal (even though I do know how I would do it down to the last detail. Don't get me started on that one relating to the therapy service blunt scalpel approach to periodic appraisal of a patient). No I didn't want to go into a bell tower and pick people off one by one (well, where can one find a decent high velocity rifle and suitable vantage point in the UK?) I DID feel very low and not worthy of any attention, I let myself go (in fact I still haven't picked myself up on that score as yet). Why then can an employer, potential or otherwise still discriminate on the grounds of mental health. My current employer has been fantastic, however I could just as easily have been sidelined and quietly disposed of somewhere else.

So yeah, I am starting to get back into an even keel and that has been down to an understanding employer and understanding friends and family. When I finally admitted to my parents that I had needed to take some time off for depression and anxiety issues, they were a little confused by it, but backed me all the way. 

I will close by saying one thing. You may have a decent life, you may have the love of a perfect spouse and money in the bank, a roof over your head and a good job, but depression doesn't respect that, anxiety doesn't care about those things, in fact, anxiety can be fuelled by those things. It doesn't matter if you are one of the funniest and most well liked people on this earth, it can get you and twist your noodle into a knot that is impossible to see a way out of. I was lucky, as I caught it in time, that particular worm didn't have a chance to dig it's way too far into my brain, but for others, it is a very real and dangerous thing. Just check with friends that you may not have heard of in a little while, particularly at this time of year. Just a hello, how're you doing is normally adequate they may want to have a bit of a rant, and do you know what? That's OK as far as I am concerned because if they are still ranting, they haven't become hopeless which is a very desperate place to be.

So now, I go back to shouting at motorway overpasses. Have a fabulous winter celebration of your choice. Personally, I have been kicking back and having nothing to do with tradition this year. We haven't even put any decorations up yet!!

It's been a little while

So yeah, it's been a while and I haven't updated. I am still alive, I am still seeing my therapist and the doctor gave me 2 months of citalopram when I spoke to her last. 

How am I doing you ask?

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you will know what I mean when I say not bad with a weird little half smile... I really mean that I am having a difficult time at the moment and I don't want to bring you down with my lunacy, anxiety and depression. So it's just easier to say not bad... People have stopped asking though. On the one hand, this makes it easier to retreat back into my shell and protect myself, on the other I start to feel like they don't actually want to hear how I am doing so they are afraid to ask anymore. 

Recently, I've been feeling quite down, the futility and hopelessness is returning and I don't want it to. I mentioned it to her Ladyship a couple of days ago to let her know that there may be a rough few weeks ahead of us. She took it in her stride as she normally does when I let her know that I am feeling low. To the extent that I was treated with ice cream for pud this evening. 

Speaking of this evening, I got out of the car after coming home and came into the house singing one of the songs that I had heard on Radio 2 on the way home this evening. Ms. J said that she likes to hear me singing as I come in as she hadn't heard it in a long while. I wasn't aware that this was the case, but the more I think about it, the more I think that she is right. By the end of the evening, I had had an argument with my lady about absolutely nothin. That's how quickly my mood can change.

I don't know what to do at the moment. There is a phrase in the North east (we have a lot of phrases) I'm all at sixes and sevens... That's how I feel at the moment. Anything can set me off on a negative or a positive swing. There isn't any kind of trigger that I can see. 

On the plus side, work have been great so far. I have had some of my workload removed from me for a little while. I have a little bit more for the back end of the semester, but hopefully I'll be able to cope with it. 

So there you go, that's what life is like in my little corner of crazy at the moment. Updates will follow as and when I have anything to report.

In the meantime, stay tuned to this channel.

Well that actually happened didn't it?

I wrote a very long blog post about Robin Williams this evening. It was self indulgent and I related his condition to my own in a way that I shouldnt have. His black dog was a completely different breed to mine.

I won't say anything else on the matter except to say that I'll miss your work. Rest easy buddy.

update

I won't post what I want to post here. I want to scream and shout about stuff in general, but I won't. I've now been off for a little while and  I thought that I was getting my head together quite well. As it happens, it was a very fragile thing. I thought I was becoming more grounded and able to cope with stuff. Turns out all it takes is one thing to knock me back to the anxiety that I was experiencing before. The only good thing is that now I can analyse it. I am still anxious, but I can also look at myself from outside and see what is happening. Is this an effect of the increased dose of citalopram? I have no idea.

If I were to analyse this dispassionately, I would say that these things happen, The other side of me (thankfully not as all encompassing as before) says why the hell does it always happen to you though? The paranoid man would think that he was being actively targetted. The truth of the matter is that it's probably going to end up as just one of those things.

I am rambling, but this stream of consciousness rambling is probably helping me no end. I want to get this out of my head before it becomes something that takes root and digs in with insidious tendrils around my brain so that it becomes all encompassing and I start obsessing. I have done this in the past. I don't really mind/care if you are reading this post. I won't be publicising it on facebook and that tends not to draw in the readership so I am pretty safe with this.

I seem to be a victim of poor timing. I have been a victim of poor timing for quite some time now as far as I can tell. Possibly to the point where it couldn't possibly be coincidence any longer and it might start to look like it is purposefully happening. Again with the paranoia? Yep, unfortunately. That's something that is still swirling around the pea soup of my noodle.

I've been considering jacking work in again. Is this mid life crisis? I sincerely hope so. If that is actually the case, it won't last into my later life. I have visions of me at some point in the future yelling at flyovers with a can of stella in my hand. Is that something anyone can identify with? I'm fucking scared. I really am. Am I losing my mind? Is this normal? I wrote a while ago that 'it is a dark time for the rebellion'. I wish the me now could tell the me then that that wasn't darkness. this is darkness. This is hopefully as dark as it gets.

But isn't that what it is before the dawn? I certainly hope so. The sun had better get a fucking move on. I'm waiting here tapping my foot and looking pointedly at my watch.

Just to clarify, I am NOT suicidal. I am far too narcissistic for that.

My grandpappy always said, leave them with a gag (Well he would have if he was on the stage and didn't work in a garage but the sentiment is there and I don't want to fib to anyone)

So here you go...

Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. the first says to the second, "Hello!"
The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, "God, I wonder what *that* was all about?"

Why is it so difficult to relax?

The question at the top of the page says it all really. I was asked when signed off for sick leave to not have any contact with my employer for a week. This was achieved with little to no problem. I was then asked to just relax for a little while and to try an not let anything get me wound up. This has proved to be a little more problematic. I find it difficult to sit and watch TV or read a book any more. I have the sense that I should be doing 'something' to ensure that I am not wasting the space that I inhabit. I have been doing some bits and pieces of leatherwork while I have been off. No commissions, mainly purely speculative or developmental stuff so that once I get back on an even keel, I will have some new stuff to show and sell that others haven't considered in the past.

 It's interesting that I am seeing copies of my stuff starting to show up on Etsy from china and Indonesia etc. I don't really mind. In one sense it's flattering that they think the design is good enough to rip off. This hasn't bothered me nearly as much as I thought it would. 

It strange, but looking at how the leather working is going, I wouldn't normally even entertain such notions, but the thought of going self employed has crossed my mind a couple of times recently... Mind you, one thing I learned in business studies is that the person that thinks that he is his own boss if he is self employed is a fool and doomed to inevitable failure. Self employment just means that your boss is every single person that places an order with you! Some may be easy going, some may be really difficult and exacting. I have had a couple of difficult clients recently, one I had to say that I just couldn't work with them because they were asking for something that I was physically incapable of producing. Another was a bit of a disappointment because I just couldn't see a way of resolving the issues that were a part of the brief for a lovely client that I have dealt with before. Even though they were totally understanding about it, I hate letting people down.  As a consequence, I have, while I am mental at least, placed an embargo on commissions. It's just too stressful and comes back down to that boss thing again. 

But I realise that I'm teasing you dear reader a little, you didn't come here to read about my trials and tribulations in leather working... You want to know the gory details about what is happening in my head. I saw the doc last Thursday and she suggested that I remain at the higher dose of 40mg of citalopram for the time being. The side effects are still in evidence. Sleep is almost non existent at the moment and I count myself lucky if I get more than 4hrs per night. I have had a couple of rather worrying spaced out moments. This is part of the horror stories that I read about when I was first reading up about the side effects of citalopram, the haze descends and you feel a bit weird for a while. It's hard to explain, but I think it feels a bit like being a little out of phase with the world. The brain slows down and the best that you can do is just watch as it passes you by. That wasn't a very accurate explanation, but it's the best I can do without the vocabulary to explain it fully. It's not exactly a fugue, but it's a bit more than daydreaming and a little bit disorienting when it happens particularly when I am out without Ms. J to ground me.

You know that feeling when you are standing in the edge of a cliff and there is a little voice in your head that says jump? Yeah, it turns out that it's not a good idea to mention that voice when you are talking to your doctor during these appointments... She suggested that Ms. J should take control of my medication. And she is still very serious about me wanting to harm myself even though I was merely engaging in an academic exercise of considering the best way to do it... Turns out normal people don't think about that sort of thing... Who knew eh?

So, good or bad, the increase in dosage is certainly doing something to my brain chemistry. I have just over a week and a bit of this sick note remaining, the doctor is quite happy to sign me off for another month if it is necessary, but I feel a little crappy about leaving work in the lurch, so might get in touch with them to see if I can arrange a phased return.

So, yeah, that's about it for this instalment. Stay tuned, same bat time, same bat channel for more updates as and when they arrive.

rollercoaster rides

Update on this week...

The stoooory so far... After the meltdown in a staff meeting earlier this week our intrepid hero decided that work was one of the major contributing frustrations and was not allowing him to work through the issues that he was having. The way things were going, he would have been up a bell tower with either a long rope or a high powered rifle by the end of the week. At this point, he decided that it wasn't in his best interests to remain in work and made an appointment with the doctor to see if he could get a sick note.

Aaaand now, the exciting conclusion to this chapter.

The doctor suggested that my meds be upped to a double dose and signed me off for a month. She told me to not even think about work for a week, no e-mails, no contact at all there were a couple of revelations in that appointment, for me and for Ms. J who had accompanied me. As a consequence, for the past few days, I've been working on stuff that doesn't tax my brain. The leather work that I do, could be regarded as a type of therapy for me. I can get out of my brain for a little while and be creative. Thing is that if I am working on commissions, I get stressed with getting it right for the client, so I've decided to knock the commissions on the head for the time being. I'll still make new stuff, but it's going to be either selling from stock or on the stall... This means that I am going to have to keep a tighter control of stock levels on the Etsy and on the other selling sites that I use.

The insomnia appears to be never ending at the moment and I am getting about 4 hrs per night. On the plus side, due to upping my meds, the lack of appetite seems to have kicked in, so that might be something that I can get under control.

So yeah, rollercoaster or what this week... Ms. J has remained a constant levelling influence.
I love that woman!

The hardest thing to do is realising that you need time to heal.

That turned out to be the hardest e-mail I have ever composed. Admitting to my line manager that I have some serious problems and need some time off to see if I can work them out. I realise that my job is a grounding thing, and that it helps me with a routine, and that I have just done the thing that I feared most. Asking for sick time.
Those of you that know me, know that I am a pretty self reliant person and my upbringing doesn't tolerate weakness in any form. Well, today I am at my weakest out of the is whole experience. I feel as though I am shrouded in eggshell and to drop me would result in scrambled Mark.

I hope work are understanding. They are traditionally very good at recognising mental health issues.

I didn't want it to come down to this as my position is a little precarious at the moment, but that is the very thing that is exacerbating the problems that I am experiencing. I dunno. After the outburst at a meeting yesterday, I don't feel as though I can go back and act as though nothing happened. It may seem like going into hiding, but I am not sure if they had been briefed as to my looney toons status.

Chemically, I am still experiencing side effects to the citalopram and maybe this episode has been heightened due to the lack of sleep that I've been experiencing as a result of the medication. There is also a very frustrating side effect that au won't go into details with, but suffice to say that some of the chemical make up of the drug is bromide which hasn't helped either.

What's the solution??? I dunno to be honest. Maybe change medication, maybe stop it altogether as the positives are beginning to get swamped by the negatives. I tried getting an appointment to see the doctor today, no luck. I'll try again tomorrow though.