So, a bit of background first and foremost. I was first diagnosed with depression earlier in 2013 whereupon the doctor prescribed me pills to balance me out. I gratefully accepted said script and went and did what I normally do in this situation (particularly when being prescribed a new treatment) and that was to research first hand reports of this treatment. Some said that they had a positive experience, but the overwhelming majority of reports were that the pills (while balancing you out) take you down before going back up. I wasn't prepared to accept this as a valid treatment as one of the more common side effects of the drug was that it made the majority lethargic and they complained of a numbness to situations. For those of you that know me, you will know that I am a high functioning individual. I don't do the sitting in a dressing gown thing. I like to be doing things and creating things. If the drugs were going to dampen my creative spark, I didn't want anything to do with them. I went back to the doctor and asked to be placed on the waiting list for a therapist appointment.
In the mean time, I took up new hobbies like magic which is always something that I have been fascinated with to try and bring myself out of the funk that I had been dwelling in for a while. Sometimes it works, sometimes it just makes me more frustrated. Again, it may be the character thing that allows me to cope with others in unfamiliar surroundings.
I have come to understand that my condition isn't just depression related, there is a crippling paranoia that comes with it as an added bonus. I see friends as conniving and manipulative (even when I know they are trying to help) my wife has taken to talking to me about anything that she sends on her phone or via facebook that relates to me as a way of alleviating any suspicions that I may have. I know that this is all irrational, I know that I will look back on this blog and probably laugh at the amount that I was paranoid, but in my mind at least, at this moment in time, it is a very real thing.
Fast forward to the festive period...
It isn't the twinkly sugar coated thing that I remember nostalgically. This Christmas in particular, I was feeling a bit like George Bailey before Clarence turned up (That's a reference to It's a Wonderful Life if you were interested. If you haven't seen it, it's worth a viewing.) In my world this Christmas,things were not jolly. To the point where I almost called off going around a friends house on Xmas day due to my wife being at work for the day (She works in an A&E department, so will typically either work Christmas or New Year) because I didn't want to have to face people. Fortunately, I didn't cancel and had a good day where I almost forgot about how wretched I felt.
Fast forward again to New year...
Myself and my wife were invited to a friend's place for a new year's eve party. Again I was on the verge of cancelling as I didn't feel up to it, but felt obligated to go as we were also taking another couple. I was apprehensive about the amount of people that were going to be there but as it turned out, I had nothing to worry about.
Let me take a very brief detour to explain a little about my upbringing etc. I come from an emotionally distant, very small family. I am the youngest of three brothers who had 5 years between each sibling. When I was 16, the middle brother (Peter) was diagnosed with testicular cancer and underwent surgery to have it removed. Unfortunately, it spread to his abdomen and he died in a considerable amount of pain two weeks after my 16th and 2 weeks before his 21st birthday. This has had a pretty profound effect on my life although I won't be going into the how's and the why's of this. As a result of my upbringing, I get anxious in large gatherings, possibly one of the reasons I started with re-enactment and LRPing was to try and alleviate this anxiety issue with the insertion of a character where I wouldn't have to deal with it, it would be the character that deals with it.
So, on with New year...
The new year's eve celebrations were great as it turned out with fewer than 10 people in attendance in an environment that, while not completely familiar, was re-assuring and comforting in equal measure. New year's day was a little more fraught however. We all were due to go to another friend's house after lunch. As it turned out, this was the antihesis of the previous evening. There were over 30 people in the house over a number of rooms; the kitchen was a whirl of activity and as soon as I arrived I was subjected to a certain amount of ribbing for the actions of Xmas day where I had done something unexpectedly nice for my wife on picking her up from work. Even though this was intended as good natured ribbing, I felt very singled out as a result. This ate away at any confidence that I had mustered on the drive over to the house and as a result I was feeling very anxious to the point that I didn't even want to remove my coat as that felt like an armour around me that was familiar and comforting in a hostile (as far as I viewed it) environment. I was very uncomfortable in an unknown environment with a large amount of people (who are friends, but the effect was overwhelming).
the major problem is now that I feel really bad about the unintended alienation of my friends that occurred as a result of that experience. I feel really crappy about lying to my friends to say that I was fighting a cold and had to leave when in fact I was freaking out at the amount of people and the unfamiliar surroundings.
So, fast forward to now and my reasoning behind starting this blog.
I want to apologise to my friends that see this. If you were at New year and felt sleighted, please don't be. This was my problem. I have an issue with large groups when there is no character to fall back on. Going onwards, I will alienate people. I don't intend to, this will just be something that I do. Again, it's not your fault, it's my problem. Please don't take it personally.
I also started this blog to be able to look back on my condition and see how I am progressing and getting better. I will post anything and everything in here. It's not meant to be warts and all, but I am under no illusions that this is what it will turn out to be. It may appear to be me just having a moan and a rant sometimes. It will chart my progress though and maybe, I will be able to look back on this blog and smile at how I was at this point in my life.
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